


Runaway

by Amethystina



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: ALL THE FLUFF, Actually more fluff than anything else, Alternate Universe, Cougar takes him in, Jensen runs away from home, M/M, Not as angsty as you might think, and happy endings, hints of past child abuse, just FYI
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 11:32:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 36,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1345906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amethystina/pseuds/Amethystina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When people tell you to be wary not to pick up strays they usually refer to puppies and kittens, not gangly, hyperactive seventeen-year-olds with bright blue eyes and infectious smiles, but Carlos thinks that they should. The similarities are undeniable, after all, not only in terms of appearance and mannerism but also the way you get instantly and irrevocably attached. </p><p>Jacob Jensen should come with a warning sign, simple as that. And possibly also a manual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Kid

**Author's Note:**

> This was an idea that popped into my head and I was helpless to stop it once it took hold, but I didn't want to write your average story about an abused kid who runs away from home (there's a lot of those already) so I chose a different focus. This fanfic is about coming of age, finding your place in the world and how an unlikely friendship between two people eventually evolve into something more. 
> 
> So yeah, definitely less angst than you'd expect out of the tags. Still, I hope that you'll enjoy it :)
> 
> [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) did the beta reading as always, [Jujitsuelf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/jujitsuelf) offered encouragement and sporadic read-throughs and [Lara Herondale](http://lara-herondale.tumblr.com/) was kind enough to help me with the Spanish. Thanks to you all!

 

* * *

 

The first time Carlos saw Jacob Jensen he was huddling on a bench in the small, withering park two blocks from Carlos' apartment. He looked like a scrawny kid who still hadn't grown into his own long limbs or the loose clothes he wore, nose buried in a scarf and hands shoved deep inside his pockets to stave off the cold. He wasn't dressed anywhere near warmly enough for the weather and looked miserable slouched on the bench, leg bouncing up and down.

He reminded Carlos of a lost puppy.

Carlos had every intention of just passing him by, the Styrofoam cup in his hand only doing so much to keep his coffee from turning lukewarm, but he made the mistake of looking straight at the kid.

A pair of eyes shouldn't be allowed to be that blue.

He tried to ignore it, brushing it aside as soon as their gazes unlocked, but he was only able to take two steps before he felt himself slowing to a halt. Mostly involuntarily. When he turned around the kid snapped to attention, eyes wide and questioning behind his round glasses, but Carlos saw the brief flash of wariness. Or was it fear? The blond hair was tousled and decidedly unwashed and Carlos felt a small twinge in his chest when he noticed the slight discoloration that could only be a fading bruise on the kid's left cheek bone. A laptop bag was slung over one of his shoulders and a battered, bloated backpack seemed carelessly dumped next to him on the bench.

Before Carlos had time to change his mind he took a careful step closer – not wanting to spook the poor boy – before holding out his coffee cup. A beat of silence passed before the kid dared to reach out, cautiously accepting the offered treat.

Two of his fingers were bandaged.

The kid pulled down his scarf with his other hand, revealing a wide, bright grin that seemed entirely too happy on someone looking so lost and confused.

"Thanks, man. I'm freezing my butt off out here."

Carlos didn't know how to answer besides a weak smile. There wasn't much to add. The kid didn't seem to mind or inclined to stop him so Carlos hastily turned on his heel and continued on his way home without a word. It felt a little weird – not only because he now had no coffee meaning that the entire walk was for naught – and he had to fight an impulse to glance over his shoulder. To see if the kid was still smiling that smile of his.

He made sure not to.

It was nothing significant. Just his good deed of the day.

But deep down some part of Carlos knew that it was only the beginning.

Carlos told himself that it was completely reasonable to pass through the park again the next day. It wasn't the direct route from his apartment to the grocery store, but it wasn't out of his way either.

The kid wasn't there and Carlos decided that that was probably a good thing. It wasn't safe to sleep outside in the middle of January and Carlos felt a little guilty for not having thought of that sooner. It hadn't exactly seemed like the kid had a decent place to go, what with the bruises and bandages.

Should he have done more?

Then again, he knew that it wasn't his responsibility and that not everyone would accept help just because it was freely given. He tried to push it out of his mind. Surely it was just a one time thing.

Two days later the kid was there again.

Carlos slowed as soon as he spotted him. It was even colder that day, their breaths small puffs of condensation against the pale, white sky. Carlos didn't like the cold very much and neither did the kid, judging on his expression. Carlos cursed the fact that he didn't have any coffee with him that time; the kid looked like he needed it.

Carlos quickly patted himself down and felt a small flicker of triumph when he found a chocolate bar in one of his pockets. It was better than nothing and the kid seemed just shy of starving.

Just like before the boy looked up when Carlos approached but remained seated. The kid was cautious even if he undoubtedly recognized Carlos, which was actually a bit of a relief. It meant that he wasn't gullible or naïve enough to mistake them for friends after one meeting. Being too trusting while looking that vulnerable was a surefire way to get yourself into trouble you were most likely not going to come out of unscathed.

Like last time there was a slight moment of hesitation before the offering was accepted but the thankful smile was just as wide. Carlos found that his own responding one grew stronger.

"I'm Jake," the kid blurted out just as Carlos made to leave.

He paused, looking at the kid – Jake –, who for some reason didn't flinch back like most people did whenever Carlos stared at them. He had figured out long ago that they were unsettled by his silent demeanor. If Jake felt the same he sure didn't show it.

"Carlos," he replied eventually, figuring that the kid deserved that much at least.

Jake grinned, his eyes bright and impossibly blue.

"Cool."

Carlos couldn't figure out what else to say so he merely nodded and turned to walk away. This time there was nothing stopping him and just like before Carlos made sure not to glance over his shoulder as he left.

It was harder than it should have been.

It became a habit to always have something in his pockets, just in case he saw Jake, and Carlos took more walks through the park than he usually would. Jake wasn't there every day but whenever he was Carlos stopped to hand over some kind of treat and Jake offered a trivial comment about the weather or some random fact Carlos knew he would forget about the very same day.

It was still surprisingly nice.

Jake never asked why Carlos was so silent – which set him apart from pretty much every single person Carlos had ever met – and seemed to just accept it without finding it odd or out of the ordinary. Carlos was secretly grateful for that.

What Carlos liked the most was the fact that Jake was always smiling, even if it didn't quite reach his eyes all the time. Carlos suspected that the latter was related to Jake's insistence to keep a certain distance between them at all times, as if there was some kind of invisible line Carlos wasn't allowed to cross. He made sure that he never did.

The still fading bruises were more than enough for Carlos to get the hint.

The sporadic meetings continued, growing more and more frequent, and Carlos didn't miss that for each day that passed Jake seemed to curl further in on himself, the dark shadows under his eyes becoming more and more prominent. Whatever Jake was up to when he wasn't in the park talking to Carlos was obviously taking its toll.

It began to hurt when Carlos turned to leave. A dull, pulsing ache in his chest that only grew stronger the weaker Jake's smile became.

But Jake never asked him to stay and Carlos didn't know if he was allowed to offer anything more than what he was already giving. He wasn't even sure if he _could_. He only had about nine days of leave left before he had to report back to base and head out for Fort Benning, and that would most likely be the end of this odd acquaintance of theirs. Jake would probably be gone, one way or another, next time Carlos came home.

The thought frightened him.

While he was pretty certain that Jake knew how to take care of himself Carlos couldn't help feeling a deep, gnawing worry. Carlos didn't know exactly where the kid came from – Jake's accent was difficult to place, as if he deliberately kept changing it – but he was obviously homeless. Sometimes he had his bags with him to the park, other times not. He usually looked cleaner those times he didn't, so Carlos assumed it meant that he had someplace to stay. But it never lasted more than a day or two.

It was a particularly agonizing kind of torture, watching the bright enthusiasm in Jake's eyes fade slowly but surely over the passing days.

Three days later Carlos was nearing his limit. He couldn't stand it. Jake looked more dead than alive, his shoulders slumped, gaze tired and dull and his smile a joyless, cracked grimace. Carlos didn't care if it meant overstepping his bounds; Jake would be gone in an entirely too permanent way if this continued.

Luckily enough for him Jake finally gave Carlos the opening he had been looking for.

"You know I only come here because you might walk by, right?" Jake pointed out, a faint curl to his lips that couldn't quite be called a smile. He looked exhausted, his two bags next to him on the bench while he huddled against the wind.

Carlos stood a couple of feet away, tossing over a chocolate bar that Jake caught with some effort.

" _Sí_."

There was a flicker – just a shadow – of that brighter, happier grin.

"Oooh, Spanish. Neat. Although I had kind of figured that out already." Jake's fingers fumbled with the wrapping around the chocolate bar and Carlos had to fight his need to reach out and do it for him. Or just cradle those shaking fingers in his hands until they stopped trembling from the cold.

Jake looked up, just a brief glance as if to confirm that Carlos was still there, within sight but not too close.

"Like the Army thing." Jake gave up on the chocolate bar, stuffing it into his laptop bag before turning his full attention towards Carlos. "You on leave or something?"

Carlos wanted to ask how Jake knew, because he wasn't exactly wearing anything that made it obvious, but decided against it. He nodded instead, fairly certain that he didn't just imagine the sudden tenseness in Jake's posture. Jake, unsurprisingly, pretended it never happened.

"I bet you kick some serious ass." The grin didn't reach Jake's eyes. "You're pretty scary, did you know that? With your silences and stern poker face. Real scary. Well, at least until you smile."

Which naturally made Carlos do exactly that.

"So when are you leaving?"

Carlos' smile faded. Something twisted in his chest at the small trace of vulnerability and apprehension in Jake's voice.

"Six days," Carlos replied. Jake didn't seem to react at first and when he eventually did he had the same false, cracking smile plastered on his face. He was good at hiding things but not nearly good enough to fool Carlos.

"Well, be careful and all that. You never kno-"

"I live close by."

Jake fell silent, blinking in surprise. Perhaps Carlos could have handled that a bit more smoothly.

"Want to come?" Carlos felt stupid for asking but he would rather suffer through that than the knowledge that he had only stood by while Jake suffered.

Jake cleared his throat but he looked cautious rather than nervous.

"Well, I guess if you wanted to ritually sacrifice me you would have done so ages ago." Jake eyed him and Carlos could admit that he felt slightly insulted by the scrutiny, even if he understood it too. There was an unmistakable accusation in it somehow. "And you don't look like the kind of guy who would ask young boy-"

"No," Carlos interrupted harshly. He didn't even want to hear Jake say it out loud. "Not that."

Jake smiled, this time softer – apologetic almost.

"Yeah, I know."

He got to his feet, movements a little sluggish but not hesitant. He didn't seem afraid. Carlos was grateful for that. But he could admit that he was surprised to find that Jake was actually a bit taller than him. The long, gangly limbs and hunched posture had made Jake look a lot smaller, especially since he had only been sitting down up until then.

While Carlos might have wanted to offer to take Jake's backpack he knew better than to try. Jake wasn't stupid and far too suspicious to let a stranger handle his possessions. Which meant that Carlos was forced to hide a wince when Jake stumbled a little under the weight of his two bags and gave a sheepish, embarrassed grin to cover it up. Poorly.

Carlos took the lead without a word, walking towards his apartment in a much more subdued pace than usual. Jake managed to keep up, if only barely, but Carlos knew that if he slowed even further Jake would notice and probably take offense.

"How old are you?" Carlos felt a need to ask.

"Twenty," Jake replied calmly, so expertly delivered that it probably sounded like the truth to most people. Carlos still raised a dubious eyebrow. Jake was definitely not twenty.

The kid seemed horribly insulted by Carlos' skepticism.

"What? I am!"

Jake pursed his lips in response to Carlos' scoff.

"Fine. Eighteen," Jake amended with a pout.

Carlos gave him a deadpan look.

"In four months! So practically eighteen. Like, really soon eighteen," Jake defended indignantly. "You happy now?"

Carlos nodded with a smile and would probably have reached out to ruffle Jake's hair if it hadn't been for the fact that he still wasn't sure if that would be allowed. He didn't want to see Jake shy away, however understandable his aversion to physical contact might be. It was better to just avoid it entirely.

Jake didn't ask how old Carlos was in return but perhaps it didn't matter. As they walked towards Carlos' apartment Jake seemed more interested in explaining the impact the U.S Army had had on various technological developments over the years. Carlos didn't mind. Jake always seemed the most enthusiastic when he was given an opportunity to spread his sometimes bizarre but also frighteningly vast knowledge of things most people wouldn't even dream to learn about.

It was disarmingly adorable.

Carlos distantly wondered what he had gotten himself into, but felt surprisingly calm. Jake himself wasn't much of a threat to someone like Carlos after all and he had nothing of great value in his apartment. Whatever happened from that point on Carlos was sure that he could handle it.

It wasn't until much, much later that Carlos realized that he might have underestimated how quickly and completely one could get attached to one Jacob Jensen.

If anyone ever asked Carlos wouldn't be able to explain how, when or why Jake moved in with him. He wasn't surprised exactly but he couldn't pinpoint when it had happened either. He just woke up the day he was due back on base and his first thought was that he needed to get Jake a copy of the apartment key before he left.

It troubled him to an extent, that he was willing to give complete access to his home to what was basically a stranger, but just like he had concluded before – there wasn't much in his apartment worth stealing. Carlos was actually pretty certain that Jake's laptop cost more than most of his furniture put together. Which would explain why Jake treated it much like most people would their firstborn.

So in a way Carlos didn't mind. He doubted that Jake would do anything to risk what was essentially the closest thing he had gotten to a home in weeks. Perhaps even months. And Jake wasn't a bad kid. Carlos knew that much after having spent five days in his presence.

All in all though Jake was an enigma.

While it was easy to read his moods he was, as a person, essentially unknowable until he stopped trying to be everything at once. Carlos wasn't sure if it was a teenage thing or something uniquely Jake, but Carlos couldn't get a grip on who Jake Jensen really was. It would probably have made him angry if it hadn't been because Jake seemed almost as confused as Carlos felt – perhaps even a little bit desperate.

Jake didn't seem to know who he was either.

It might have been partly Carlos' fault since he put no demands on the kid and thus gave him no clues on what he expected out of him either, but wasn't that how it was supposed to be? Carlos didn't want Jake to be anyone but himself. But it seemed like it would take some time before either of them found out exactly who that was.

During those five days spent together Carlos still learned a couple of things that seemed essential for Jake's existence.

First and foremost Jake didn't have very high demands on what he needed to feel content. After Carlos fed him, let him borrow his shower and a new pair of clothes Jake fell asleep on Carlos' lumpy couch and was out for a frightening thirteen hours. Carlos was almost a little worried but still remembered what it was like at that age – before the Army had drilled into his very bones that getting up after 5AM was sleeping in and four hours was considered a sufficient amount of sleep.

Jake sorely needed the rest either way.

Carlos had a hard time holding back a laugh when Jake finally did return to the land of the mostly living and proceeded to stumble around in the apartment, glasses askew, hair in disarray and gangly limbs bumping into doors and walls, often accompanied by confused, keening grunts.

The promise of breakfast and coffee managed to pull Jake back to full awareness. He seemed careful not to overdo it though, eating less than Carlos and not without one or two shifty glances, as if he expected to have the food taken from him without warning. It was difficult to say if the clench in Carlos' chest was because of sympathy for what was apparently a conditioned behavior or anger towards the person responsible for causing it in the first place.

The second thing Carlos learned about Jake was that while he had few earthly possessions his laptop was a necessity. After breakfast Jake took a seat on the couch and hacked his way into the WiFi belonging to one of Carlos' neighbors. It took days before Jake stopped giving Carlos disappointed, judging looks for not having an Internet connection of his own, but Jake seemed to manage with what he was able to hijack from Carlos' neighbor and that was really the only thing that mattered to him.

It was a work of art to see what Jake could do with a computer, even if Carlos didn't understand half of it. Jake's fingers danced over the keyboard, fluent and graceful now that the bandages had come off, all the while he kept talking happily to Carlos. Jake seemed to finally be in his element, all the hesitation and wariness giving way for a bursting confidence and giddiness that was surprisingly contagious. Anyone else would probably have lost track or been unable to focus on so many things at once, but Jake never faltered, never made Carlos feel ignored and still managed to make sense somehow, even if that in itself was relative considering the kinds of things Jake chose to talk about.

Which lead Carlos to the third thing he learned about Jake: he was terrifyingly intelligent.

It was easy to miss at first, hidden under layers of jokes, fluent personality shifts and a fair share of blatant attempts not to let it show, but Jake was smart. Really smart. Just the sheer amount of information he could keep inside his head made Carlos dizzy.

He never asked Jake about school since it obviously wasn't his place to do so, but he took the liberty of assuming that he had probably graduated from high school already. While Jake was definitely lacking in focus sometimes he could easily have been bumped up several years if the right teacher took notice.

Why Jake hadn't gone to college was a trickier question to answer but once again, it wasn't Carlos' place to meddle.

Fact still remained that Jake was smarter than anyone Carlos had ever known and it made him feel both stupid in comparison and oddly protective. While Jake seemed to possess a near limitless amount of knowledge he clearly had no idea where to apply it and how. His instincts had trained him to recognize and handle a threat – and he could obviously survive on his own for weeks when necessary – but there was a certain kind of innocence to him still. A frailty that came mostly from his young age and Carlos knew that Jake would hate it if he ever became aware of it.

Jake hated showing any kind of weakness.

And perhaps that was why Carlos decided to let him stay. It wasn't that big of a deal for him anyway. The apartment would be completely empty while Carlos was away and his pay, while not spectacular, could cover the electricity and water without problem.

Jake still seemed hesitant until Carlos, not so subtly, turned it around to make it seem like Jake would be doing _him_ a favor by keeping an eye on the place. Jake undoubtedly saw right through it but was obviously more inclined to accept the offer when it wasn't outright charity. He would still have to find food on his own and while Carlos would definitely worry about that he knew better than to belittle Jake, who had a fair share of pride despite his carefree attitude.

So Carlos had a copy made of his key while explaining – in as few words as possible – what Jake needed to know about the apartment. It felt odd, handing over the responsibility like that, especially to someone so young, but Jake took it seriously. He listened to the instructions and while he smiled and joked like always he seemed to understand the amount of trust Carlos was willing to place in him.

Carlos gave Jake permission to redecorate – there wasn't much going on in those lines anyway – and to use his room for sleeping while Carlos wasn't there. The apartment only consisted of three rooms; a small, cramped bathroom, one bedroom and a joint living room and kitchen. Jake had so far slept on the couch but it felt mean to deny him the softer bed when Carlos would be away for seven weeks. He wouldn't have much use for it anyway.

It felt odd to have someone to say goodbye to.

Carlos wasn't used to it and Jake seemed to find it just as awkward. The kid was fidgeting with whatever he could get his hands on and looked so young and small when Carlos was about to leave that he almost considered staying. But that was stupid.

He couldn't waste the opportunity he had been given and especially not for some kid he barely knew. Jake would be fine. Five days of regular meals and shelter from the cold had already done its fair share in putting some color back on his cheeks and for the bruises under his eyes to fade. The joy and brightness in his smiles had returned and while there were still boundaries to consider and a slight wariness in Jake's posture he was doing much better. Carlos might not be able to be there in person but at least he gave Jake a safe place where he could stay.

Jake cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck before grinning a little sheepishly.

" _Buena suerte_."

Carlos blinked. The pronunciation was a little off but definitely not bad, all things considered. Carlos couldn't help smiling – it was a very sweet gesture after all – and it made Jake look so proud and excited that Carlos was momentarily blindsided. Something squeezed around his heart and it took him a moment to work around the surprising and slightly alarming wave of fondness.

" _Gracias_ ," he replied with a soft nod, earning himself another wide, brilliant grin from Jake.

There wasn't much to add after that and Carlos took the opportunity to push open the door and step outside, but he found himself lingering as soon as it closed behind him. He just stood there, bag in hand, staring out into the middle distance without really seeing anything at all.

The warm, happy feeling was still burning in his chest.

What on earth had he gotten himself into?

Sniper training was pretty much what Carlos had expected, but that in no way meant that it was easy. Probably because he hadn't expected it to be.

It was strangely comfortable to lose himself in the routine and training, just going from one task to another, and while he never forgot about Jake the kid wasn't at the forefront of his mind either. It made him worry less, since there wasn't much he could do anyway. Jake was fine.

About three weeks in Carlos received a letter – to his immense surprise. He hadn't done that since his _abuela_ died and he didn't recognize the handwriting. It wasn't until he opened it and started reading that he realized that it was from Jake. A very disgruntled Jake.

Carlos couldn't help grinning like a fool when Jake proceeded to whine about trying to get in contact with Carlos only to find that his phone was shut off which had left Jake with no other option but to _write_ with his _hands_ on a _piece of paper_. Something he had allegedly not done in several years. Jake made it absolutely clear just how grateful and special Carlos was expected to feel because of it.

Carlos did.

Out of habit he had turned his phone off when arriving at Fort Benning, mostly because he had no one who would want to call, completely forgetting that he had given Jake his number, just in case anything happened with the apartment. Luckily enough that was not the case, Carlos found out as he continued to read, but there were news all the same.

Jake had apparently managed to get a job at a local computer store in the time Carlos had been gone. There was no mention of _how_ but Carlos assumed it had involved a lot of nagging and possibly one or two instances of blackmail. Still, he was happy for the kid and felt a lot calmer knowing that as long as Jake remained responsible with what he earned he would have food to eat.

Despite Jake's obvious reluctance to use something as old fashioned as the regular postal service the letter was surprisingly lengthy and Carlos felt a pinch of what he under normal circumstances might have considered to be homesickness. But this wasn't a normal situation and he barely even knew the kid. Carlos hadn't felt homesick in years, mainly because his apartment wasn't much of a home to begin with. That hadn't changed.

But he couldn't deny that Jake's erratic, rambling letter – so much like the way he spoke in person – made him smile long after he had stopped reading.

It surprised him that Jake had included a short segment about his sister Jess, which Carlos assumed was short for Jessica, because if there was one thing Jake never talked about it was his family. Half of the times he made it sound like he didn't have any parents, even if Carlos was pretty certain that they were the ones Jake had run away from in the first place. He had never asked of course but there were too many consistent rules dictating Jake's behavior to be the work of a foster family. It must have taken years for his reactions to become as instinctual as they were now.

Like how Jake, despite his enthusiasm, automatically cut himself off mid-sentence as soon as Carlos showed the smallest sign of perhaps replying. Or the way he would always wait a couple of seconds after Carlos had started eating before picking up his fork to do the same. Not to mention the bruises and his need to have a physical distance between himself and other people at all times.

Someone had put a lot of effort into trying to keep Jake in line and apparently not been afraid to use violence as a motivator for him to learn.

Jess was obviously a safer topic. Jake was very proud of her and how her hard work had earned her a scholarship that funded her college education. She didn't seem connected to whatever Jake had suffered through – or at least not a direct part of it – and Carlos was glad to find that Jake had someone who cared about him. She had, according to Jake, been very relieved to hear that her little brother had steady employment and a place to stay.

Carlos couldn't help wondering what Jake had told her about him, if anything at all.

The direct result of Jake's letter was that Carlos turned his phone back on. He got Jake's number from the straggling texts that could finally be delivered and sent a reply informing Jake that he would make sure to leave his phone on this time.

He should probably have expected the landslide of texts he received in response, but could only smile fondly as he read through them. Jake didn't seem to care that Carlos couldn't possibly keep up and reply to even half of the things Jake said, and seemed completely content just knowing that Carlos now read them. Which was basically how most of their conversations played out. Jake didn't mind that Carlos didn't answer as long as he knew that he had at least a part of Carlos' interest.

Jake wanted attention and validation more than he wanted someone to talk to.

So Carlos left his phone by his bunk and read whatever texts Jake sent as soon as he got the chance. Sometimes he replied, other times he didn't. But fact remained that it was somehow easier to wake up in the morning knowing that there would be at least one or two stray messages from Jake to read, sent sometime during the night. It made him embarrassingly happy.

And, before he knew it, Carlos really did feel homesick.

So perhaps he did have a home after all.

Carlos wasn't sure what to expect when he stepped inside his own apartment. Jake hadn't given any specifics on what he had been doing in terms of redecorating, but the questions about Carlos' favorite color and his stance on leopard print – a big, resounding _no_ – left no doubts about Jake having been up to _something_. The question was if this something meant that Carlos would feel more inclined to just turn right back around or not.

Most people would probably consider him to be slightly insane – or at the very least masochistic – for giving someone like Jake permission to alter his living space, but the fact was that Carlos was very curious to see what Jake would do with it. Jake might have a bursting personality and seemed to enjoy color combinations that would put a rainbow to shame but he was also far from inconsiderate. He wouldn't ruin Carlos' apartment for the sake of his own amusement.

And all in all it wasn't bad. A small desk for Jake's laptop and other technological gadgets, three soft looking pillows on the couch, a fluffy rug and some posters on the walls. Granted that they seemed to be from movies and video games Carlos had never even heard of, but Jake still earned himself more interior decorating points than Carlos on accounts of getting actual curtains for the windows. That matched the couch pillows and rug, no less. There were also surprisingly realistic looking plastic potted plants on the window sill.

Carlos couldn't see his bedroom from where he was standing but he assumed it would be similarly discreet, if Jake had done any changes at all.

The place looked more lived in than it ever had. That was partly because Jake clearly wasn't as tidy as Carlos could be – there were a couple of things strewn across the floor and most flat surfaces – but given the fact that Jake had been there for seven weeks it was kind of expected. He had to put his things somewhere and Carlos spotted Jake's stuffed backpack in one corner, clearly serving as some kind of alternative storing space for clothes in lack of an actual closet.

"Carlos! Hi!" Jake sounded exuberant as he came bouncing out from the bedroom, clutching what seemed to be a pile of sheets. Jake's hair was longer than Carlos remembered but the wide, bright grin was the same. "I was just changing the sheets. Forgot to do it earlier. Good to see you! Trip go okay? There's some take out from yesterday if you're hungry. And there's towels if you want to shower. I bought new towels, did I mention that? Love the hat, by the way – really nice touch."

It was a miracle that Jake could walk while talking that fast.

The thought had barely crossed Carlos' mind before Jake nearly tripped on the edge of one of the sheets and banged his shin against the coffee table. Carlos winced in sympathy while placing his duffle on the floor, holding back a smile when Jake seemed to do his best not to curse up a storm.

"Alright. Ow," Jake muttered through gritted teeth before somehow managing a grin the next second. It was a little dopey but undeniably delighted. "Hi. Sorry. Glad to have you back."

That thing – the squeeze around Carlos' heart – returned tenfold. It made it a little harder to breathe.

"Did the super secret sneaky sniper training go well?" Jake seemed a little dazed and if it wasn't for the fact that Carlos knew his ways by then he would have suspected drugs to be involved somehow. Jake was clutching the sheets to his chest, clinging to them in a way that was possibly a little worrying, but Carlos didn't know why and therefore decided not to ask. Although perhaps he should; Jake's knuckles were turning white.

"Sorry, I talk a lot," Jake blurted out, as if Carlos didn't already know that. But it also made Carlos realize that he hadn't said a word since returning and it was obviously making Jake nervous. "I bet you're tired and don't want to listen to me babbling so I'll just-" Jake cut himself off, looking a little sheepish, but Carlos didn't miss the haunted glimmer in his eyes. The way Jake's shoulders were stiff with tension.

While Carlos couldn't quite read what thoughts were flashing through Jake's head they were clearly becoming increasingly panicked. So he made sure to smile, trying to show that he wasn't angry.

"It went well."

Jake relaxed a fraction.

"Yeah?"

Carlos nodded, feeling a little awkward. A part of him knew that he should probably say something else but he couldn't really think of what. Jake seemed to recover quicker.

"That's great! So you're like a super badass sniper now?" Jake dumped the sheets on the far end of the couch while Carlos shrugged. He had passed but he was willing to bet that Jake wasn't quite aware of what it meant; the unglamorous, morbid truth of it. Jake snapped his fingers. "We should celebrate, right?"

Carlos wasn't sure if it was good taste celebrating that he was now trained in long distance eliminations but he could appreciate the gesture. And the fact that Jake was so excited on his behalf. He was just a kid who didn't seem to have had a lot of human contact in the weeks Carlos had been gone and the same could, to a certain degree, be said about Carlos.

So really, why not?

He smiled and nodded towards the door, Jake beaming at the obvious agreement.

"Sweet! I'm buying!" Jake bounded over to get his jacket while Carlos raised a dubious eyebrow. Jake scoffed. "Yeah, I totally am. You shouldn't pay for your own celebratory dinner."

Carlos disagreed but settled for rolling his eyes. Jake was pretty much jumping on the balls of his feet from excitement, tumbling out the door with a wide, brilliant smile on his lips.

"So that's going to be a thing now, is it?" Jake asked, nodding towards the hat Carlos had gotten a habit of wearing. It had limited the amount of distractions during his weeks in training so he had decided to keep it, for practical reasons if nothing else.

Carlos shrugged before locking the door behind them.

"I like it." Jake nodded seriously. "I think it's cool. Suits you. Makes you look even more badass, you know?"

Jake bumped their shoulders together when Carlos came up next to him. Carlos was admittedly surprised since Jake usually kept a discreet distance between them, but made sure not to let it show. He just smiled when Jake rushed ahead, practically skipping down the stairs. He stopped on the next landing, looking up at Carlos with a sneaky, mischievous glint in his eyes, glasses slipping low on his nose and hair in an adorably ruffled, blond mess.

"So what are the odds that you'll let me buy a beer with that fake ID that I, in case you're wondering, totally don't have because if I did you would probably take it from me?"

Carlos gave him a deadpan look.

"Non-existent." Jake was still smiling though. "Got it."

Carlos couldn't help chuckling as he began to descend the stairs, Jake speeding ahead while tossing out ideas on where they should eat over his shoulder. The kid was vibrating with joy. It was practically impossible not to be endeared by Jake and his enthusiasm and Carlos wasn't even trying to fight it. That feeling in his chest – the warm, thrumming fondness – was something Carlos hadn't felt in a long time and he wasn't going to let it go. Not if he could help it.

But he was definitely going to confiscate that fake ID when they got back to the apartment.

It took them a while to find a routine that worked for them. Those five days having shared Carlos' apartment before his sniper training were far behind them and since then Jake had settled in and gained his own understanding on how he wanted things to be done. None of them were outrageous or inconvenient but it took some adjusting.

Carlos left earlier than Jake in the mornings and it was actually difficult to tell if he managed to sneak out without waking the kid half of the times. Even when Jake was sprawled on the couch, breaths deep and even, he seemed tense, as if he was just waiting for something to jolt him awake. Carlos felt guilty about it even if he knew that it wasn't his fault.

Jake was usually home before Carlos in the evenings and as such seemed to voluntarily shoulder the responsibility of making sure that there was some kind of food prepared. Some days Carlos would have preferred if he didn't, because while Jake was a genius when it came to many things cooking was not one of them. But Carlos was definitely too nice of a guy to say so out loud, even if his silences spoke an entire language of their own sometimes. Jake never took his failures as something bad though, only opportunities to improve, which was a surprisingly mature outlook if Carlos was to be honest, and not one he had expected to find in a spastic seventeen-year-old.

He wasn't entirely sure why Jake insisted on cooking real food – especially after he almost set the kitchen on fire twice in as many days – but it, like so many other things when it came to Jake, was endearing. Mostly because Carlos suspected that it was for his benefit; that Jake wanted him to have something nice to come home to. So while the food didn't always taste well – or at all on some occasions – Carlos braved through it. Besides, Jake _was_ getting better the more he practiced. Marginally.

They never spoke about how long Jake would be staying, even if it was a small apartment to share with someone now that Carlos was back. It took about four days before Jake stopped giving Carlos covert glances and started to relax again, as if he had honestly expected Carlos to just kick him out all of a sudden.

Carlos could admit that it was trying sometimes – he was a very private person and had grown used to being alone – and Jake wasn't exactly subtle. Or quiet. But Jake usually seemed to notice when the chatter was getting too much and backed off before Carlos had time to get truly annoyed. It was almost disturbing how well Jake could read him, picking up on not only the small nuances of his various moods but the subtle cues in his body language as well. Jake never seemed to need Carlos to speak actual words to understand him since he read entire sentences in everything Carlos did. No one had ever been able to do that, except Jake.

No one outside of Carlos' family had ever seemed devoted enough to try.

All in all though Carlos liked having Jake around. Just because Carlos himself was silent didn't mean that he was necessarily adverse to noise and it was strangely comforting to hear Jake move around in the apartment, humming or singing to himself. Carlos had no idea how one person could know so many song lyrics from so many different genres, including everything between The Beatles to Ke$ha.

More often than not Carlos got the distinct impression that Jake was an entirely different species than the rest of them, but in the best way imaginable.

It was nice to have something to ground him when he came home and Jake did that beautifully with his infectious smiles and excited chatter. Carlos knew that it was only a matter of time before he was sent out on a mission, but until then they settled in quite nicely together, even if it wasn't perfect by any means. They were still two fundamentally different people and there were some things neither of them could control. Like the first time Jake flinched away from Carlos in fright.

It was an accident, pure and simple, starting with a coincidence.

Both of them were standing in the kitchen area on Sunday morning, Jake talking a mile a minute about everything and nothing like usual and Carlos reached out to open one of the upper cabinets just as Jake turned his head, obviously catching the movement in the corner of his eye.

His reaction was instantaneous.

Jake recoiled, ducking as if to avoid a blow, his back slamming into the fridge with a dull thud. A glass tipped over the edge of the counter, shattering on the floor, and Carlos had to fight his instincts to reach out towards Jake. That would only make it worse.

It happened so fast – just a fraction of a second was all it took – and the silence that followed it was deafening, disturbed only by Jake's harsh, shallow breathing.

Carlos' heart ached. He knew it was a reflex Jake had no control over but it stung all the same. Carlos would never try to hurt Jake, not like that, and he desperately wished that just saying so would make it better somehow. But he knew it wouldn't.

Carlos weighted his options, knowing that he couldn't just stand there and stare at the poor kid – who looked both terrified, guilty and embarrassed – and eventually settled for crouching down to pick up the biggest pieces of the broken glass. It was easier to just focus on being practical.

"I-I'm sorry. I'll-... I'll pay for that. Sorry. I'm sorry." Jake's voice wobbled, sounding small and urgent, desperately keen to keep the situation from escalating. Another defense mechanism. A way to avoid punishment if possible, as if Carlos would ever do something like that.

Carlos almost closed his fingers around the sharp shards in his hand. He wasn't angry – not at Jake – but an overwhelming, biting fury was burning in his chest all the same. But he wasn't going to let that show. Jake was not going to have to see that.

"You already did," he said, voice low and careful.

"Huh?" Jake still had his back pressed against the fridge, obviously too tense to move. But that was probably just as well. He was barefoot and there was broken glass on the floor.

Carlos glanced up, smiling softly.

"These glasses." He straightened, dumping the broken glass in the sink for now. "You bought them."

Jake blinked in incomprehension until Carlos' words finally hit home. Then he chuckled – a strained, choked sound – his gaze flickering, not quite able to meet Carlos' eyes.

"I guess I did..."

Carlos held up his hands, making sure to keep his movements slow as not to startle Jake again, before taking careful steps around the few, smaller shard that remained.

"Stay."

A quiet snort from Jake.

"You're barefoot too, you know," Jake pointed out. Carlos raised an eyebrow. "Alright, fine, you are a stealthy sniper and I'm not, I get it. But I'm not going to stand here like a moron. Just let me step over it and I'll help you clean it up."

Jake held out his hand, waving for Carlos to take it, and Carlos made sure not to hesitate before doing so. He knew what Jake was trying to accomplish though. He was proving to himself that he actually could do it; that he wasn't afraid of touching other people. Carlos let him. If it made Jake feel better he would comply without a complaint.

Jake crossed the distance in one long stride, ending up standing closer to Carlos than ever before, their hands still interlocked. Jake seemed to be staring down at them, gnawing on his bottom lip. Carlos, on the other hand, was suddenly struck him how ridiculously long Jake's eyelashes were.

"I'm sorry..." Jake sounded miserable and ashamed, as if he actually had anything to feel ashamed of. Carlos couldn't have that.

" _No te preocupes_."

Jake's soft laugh was surprising but not unwelcome. He met Carlos' gaze.

"I'm going to have to learn Spanish if I want to stick around, aren't I?"

Carlos tilted his head a little to the side before smiling, squeezing Jake's hand.

" _Sí_. But don't worry." Carlos held Jake's gaze, wanting to convey just how sincere he was. "I'll help you."

There was no mistaking that Carlos might be talking about more than just the Spanish. Jake seemed to swallow before nodding with a frail, trembling little smile.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks."

" _De nada_."

Jake finally seemed able to relax.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also have a [Tumblr](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/)!


	2. The Roommate

 

* * *

 

When Carlos was getting ready to leave for his first mission after becoming a sniper Jake became a nervous wreck. Carlos figured that it was because it finally dawned on Jake what it meant; what Carlos would be doing and the danger he was putting himself in.

Jake realized that Carlos might not come back.

He never said anything about it though, not out loud. But Carlos saw it in the way he fidgeted and how he fluctuated between not looking at Carlos at all and staring at him like he was going to disappear into thin air. Carlos let it be, partly because he knew that Jake had to come to some kind of solution on his own and partly because he had no idea whatsoever how to help.

Carlos family hadn't been entirely pleased with his decision to join the Army in the first place and while he knew that his _abuela_ had worried he had never seen it up close before. It made him uneasy and a little guilty. It made him consider things he didn't think he would ever have to consider, like what would happen if he did in fact fail to come back.

Sure, the thought had crossed his mind before but all of a sudden there was someone who would be severely affected by it in more ways than one. What would happen to Jake if Carlos died? He wouldn't get to keep the apartment since his name wasn't on the lease and did that mean that he would eventually lose his job too? Jake wasn't even considered to be an adult and while Carlos didn't exactly care about that he was pretty sure that the law might. Wouldn't they send him back to his parents?

It was then, with stunning clarity, that Carlos realized that he had absolutely no idea what he had gotten himself into.

He should have thought of this. He couldn't for the life of him understand why he hadn't. The sheer amount of complications that could arise was staggering. For a moment he questioned why he had been stupid enough to put himself in that situation – taking responsibility over someone when he clearly wasn't in a position to do so – but as soon as he looked at Jake he remembered.

A pair of eyes shouldn't be allowed to be that blue.

Carlos really should know better. But done was done and when he thought about it he realized that he didn't regret it. Not by a long shot. It made him feel uncharacteristically terrified, yes, and it would take a while to get used to, but Jake was there to stay, for as long as he wanted.

If there was one thing Carlos was absolutely sure of that would be it.

So Carlos tried to show that he wasn't worried about the mission, because he honestly wasn't. He had faith in his own abilities and while you could never foresee every possible scenario the mission itself wasn't high-risk.

Jake still looked so lost when Carlos gathered his things by the door, getting ready to leave. Just the mere fact that Jake had gotten up two hours earlier than usual to see Carlos off spoke its clear language.

"You'll be careful, right?"

Carlos looked up. A part of him wanted to point out that he was going on a sensitive military op and while being careful wasn't impossible it would certainly not be easy either. But he knew that Jake wanted reassurance, not the truth, so he nodded.

Jake scratched the back of his neck, weighting from one foot to another before chuckling softly.

"I appreciate that you care enough to lie to me," he said, giving Carlos a fond, aching little smile.

Carlos blinked slowly.

"No." He shook his head. "No lie. I'll try."

Jake sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, shoving it out of his eyes.

"But you can't promise. I get it." Jake sounded so defeated and Carlos couldn't help reaching out, giving his arm a comforting squeeze, completely forgetting to keep his distance. And Jake was suddenly in motion, but not in the way Carlos had expected.

Arms wrapped around him as Jake pulled him in for a hug – a desperate, overwhelming hug that took Carlos by surprise. During a fraction of a second he didn't understand what was happening. He thought Jake was against physical contact but judging on how he clung to Carlos now that was definitely not the case. The only anxiety Jake seemed to be feeling concerned Carlos' departure, not personal space boundaries.

Carlos automatically hugged back. Jake was all gangly limbs and sharp angles but he relaxed, slumping against Carlos when the embrace was returned.

"Just try to come back, okay?" Jake mumbled next to Carlos' ear.

Carlos breathed through the tightness in his chest before nodding.

" _Sí_ , I will try."

"I won't even mind if you happen to lose a leg or an arm on the way. Just come back." There was no mistaking the humorous – almost teasing – edge to those words and Carlos huffed indignantly before pulling back a little, giving Jake a deadpan look. Jake grinned but his eyes still held a certain edge of desperation. "But only one. Two would be too many."

Carlos rolled his eyes and completely ignored the kid's insulted squawk as he ruffled Jake's hair. It was surprisingly soft.

" _Idiota_."

Jake was still grinning, his hair a tangled mess, and even as they drifted apart two of his fingers seemed to curl around the fabric of Carlos' shirt, just above the hem. Jake was holding on, as if he wasn't quite prepared to let go yet.

Carlos should probably reevaluate his theory about Jake disliking physical contact.

" _Buena suerte_." Jake's pronunciation had improved and just like last time Carlos couldn't help smiling. He nodded softly.

" _Gracias_."

Jake plucked the hat from atop the duffle bag at their feet and carefully settled it on Carlos' head instead. His fingers wandered along the brim, as if to correct the angle until near perfection. Carlos allowed it, waiting patiently for Jake to meet his gaze again.

Jake's eyes were bright blue behind the round lenses of his glasses and his smile was affectionate.

"Now go kick some ass, my super secret sneaky sniper friend."

Carlos' responding grin could only be described as wolfish.

Carlos came back in one piece, without a single scratch save for mosquito bites. Jake seemed to deem this acceptable and Carlos was rewarded with another one of those tight, engulfing embraces. Jake hugged people like he meant it and Carlos could admit that he was actually very fond of that. It made him feel grounded and safe, which was a bit odd for someone like him.

He was used to taking care of himself and while he appreciated assistance and knowing that other people had his back – it sort of came with his choice of profession – he hadn't felt a need to have someone else protect him since he was a little boy. He didn't now either of course, but Jake's hugs made him feel safe. Relaxed. At ease and content.

It was perplexing.

After that first mission Jake seemed to have an easier time accepting Carlos going away. He always saw Carlos off in the mornings when it was time, offering some playful banter and good luck wishes despite his somewhat strained smile. But he still looked calmer than the first time.

Coming home was much easier. Jake was always grinning, looking happy and relieved as he pulled Carlos in for a hug, sometimes mumbling something Carlos never quite managed to catch. It didn't really matter though since he could tell how glad Jake was to have him back without hearing whatever words he might have been saying.

The weeks passed quickly when over half of them were spent away on missions and Carlos felt oddly disappointed when it became obvious that he'd be away during Jake's eighteenth birthday. If Jake felt the same he didn't let it show, still joyous and carefree the days leading up to Carlos shipping out. He might have been a little less considerate when it concerned personal space, but that could be entirely unrelated since Jake had been doing that anyway ever since their first hug, slowly but surely breaching the distance between them.

Carlos had been terribly wrong about Jake's aversion to physical contact. Jake loved physical contact. He clung to it like it was the best thing in the entire world and Carlos was forced to realize that it was probably out of consideration for _him_ that Jake had been so careful in the beginning. Jake had thought that _Carlos_ had something against it.

Granted that that might actually be true – at least under regular circumstances and with people he didn't know – but it was easy with Jake. He did it so effortlessly that the usual stilted hesitation didn't occur, so Carlos had nothing against it.

Jake rightfully assumed that Carlos' lack of complaints meant that it was alright to stop being cautious and the immediate result was a steep increase in physical contact between them. Just small things – sitting closer on the couch, brief touches here and there, playful nudges – but it seemed to make Jake even happier. The last bit of tension in his shoulders seemed to ease, as if he was finally able to stop holding back. As if he finally got to let that part of himself show.

And that, in turn, made Carlos more relaxed.

So it felt natural to move in for a hug when he made to leave, just as it was completely okay for him to ruffle Jake's hair and give him a playful little slap at the back of his head when Jake whined about it. As long as Jake saw the movements coming he didn't seem afraid or flinched away from them.

Carlos wished him an early happy birthday before leaving.

Most of his disappointment didn't come from the fact that he would miss Jake's birthday but because he would have liked to see the look on Jake's face when he got his present. Carlos knew that he didn't have to give Jake anything – Jake would never expect it out of him considering that Carlos was already paying for a place for him to stay – but it felt nice to be able to do something for someone else.

It had demanded careful planning to be able to hook the apartment up with an Internet connection without Jake taking notice. Since it was such an old building cables had to be laid and sockets installed and Carlos might have almost gotten himself blacklisted by the company when he refused to let them inside the apartment except for when Jake wasn't there. But it was worth it in the end.

Hiding the new socket behind furniture was easy, as was making sure that the router would be delivered by courier on Jake's birthday, after he had gotten home from work. Carlos figured that he wouldn't have to write a note or a card – Jake would undoubtedly know what to do anyway.

He wished he could see the look on Jake's face but Carlos was hiding deep inside the Brazilian jungle with the rest of his team and really couldn't risk focusing on anything else but the mission. He would find out what Jake thought about his present when he got back, possibly as soon as he touched ground on base and could look at his phone again.

That ended up being the case. It took about two weeks after Jake's birthday before Carlos was back on American soil and he actually feared that his phone would die from overload as it tried to work through the backlog of received messages.

The first ten or so were just an illegible mess of letters that didn't even remotely resemble any language spoken by human beings, but you could never be too sure when it came to Jake. Once the initial shock seemed to have settled the texts became slightly more intelligible and Carlos was able to discern that Jake was very happy, very grateful and that Carlos was apparently the best person evarrrr.

Carlos took the lack of proper spelling and grammar as a good thing since it always seemed to be directly connected to Jake's level of happiness. Why Jake's eloquence and grip on the English language seemed to slip whenever he got excited was a bit of a mystery. But also strangely adorable.

Carlos wasn't surprised in the slightest to find himself half smothered in a bone crushing hug as soon as he stepped inside the apartment. Jake had probably been lying in wait for hours. Carlos' duffle hit the floor before he carefully wrapped his arms around Jake in return.

It was difficult to really hear what Jake was saying in his haste to explain, all at once, how happy he was and Carlos was pretty certain that he would have been jumping up and down if he hadn't been so reluctant to let Carlos go. As it was Jake was practically vibrating and Carlos had to give a particularly tight squeeze to make him stop long enough to take a breath.

After having gulped down a lungful of air Jake seemed marginally less prone to a hyperactive breakdown. He still didn't let go of Carlos though.

"Thank you. That's one of the sweetest, nicest things anyone has ever done for me," Jake whispered eventually, voice thick with emotion.

Carlos closed his eyes, his hand cradling the back of Jake's head. The kid had apparently gotten a haircut sometime during the weeks Carlos had been gone but the short, blond strands were still familiarly soft under his fingers.

" _De nada_."

"You are like, the best. Literally the best, okay?" Jake eased back with a bright grin, bumping their foreheads together under the brim of Carlos' hat. Carlos' responding smile was a little crooked but no less genuine.

Jake was standing a little bit closer than Carlos was entirely comfortable with but the thought had barely crossed his mind before Jake was pulling away, grinning from ear to ear.

"I made dinner! You probably won't like it because even I think it tastes pretty gross, so I suggest pizza instead. What do you say?"

Carlos chuckled.

"Pizza's fine."

"Pizza it is!" Jakes declared while reaching for his phone to call and place their orders.

Carlos briefly considered telling Jake what he wanted but paused when he realized that Jake probably already knew. And for some reason that knowledge made Carlos very, very happy.

Jake gave him an imploring look, his phone pressed to his ear.

"What? You're staring at me. Do I have something on my face?"

It took a moment for Carlos to shake his head, his smile soft and affectionate. Tragic as it might seem he couldn't quite remember the last time he had felt this happy. He had often been content or at the very least comfortable, but now he was _happy_. Genuinely happy.

Jake continued to look at him for another couple of seconds before he shrugged and focused on ordering their pizzas instead. Carlos couldn't stop staring though. He didn't quite understand how this loud, invasive kid could be the source of his happiness. They shouldn't get along. Carlos was quiet, Jake was noisy. Carlos was calm, Jake was explosively energetic. Carlos was private and guarded and Jake was open and heartfelt. It shouldn't work. It really shouldn't.

But it did. It fit so perfectly that it left Carlos feeling a little lightheaded. He couldn't even imagine what it would be like without Jake in his life, except silent and so incredibly cold. It had only been a little more than four months and Carlos was prepared to hold on for dear life if he had to. Hold on to this brilliant, obnoxious kid that made Carlos feel happier than he had in years.

Jake was smiling, his entire face lit up by enthusiasm and sheer, unhindered joy.

A pair of eyes shouldn't be allowed to be that blue.

Carlos was reluctant to say that life became routine after that since there was nothing routine about it, but they seemed to settle into a comfortable pace all the same. While Carlos ended up being away a lot more than he was home Jake always seemed to treasure the time they did get.

He took to meeting Carlos at the bus station when he returned from missions under the ridiculous pretense of helping him carry his bag – as if Carlos couldn't do that on his own. The sweetness of the gesture made Carlos allow it. That and the fact that Jake seemed to enjoy it so much. Jake was always so excited when Carlos was there, talking, gesturing and humming – brimming with life and enthusiasm – and Carlos couldn't help wondering what the kid was like when he wasn't there.

Had he been bolder and less considerate of Jake's personal life Carlos might have tried to contact Jake's sister and ask her about it.

Because, sure, Jake sent texts even if he knew that Carlos couldn't read them until after his missions but that didn't give a very clear indication of what was going through Jake's mind on an everyday basis. Not his inner thoughts, at least. Carlos wasn't even sure if Jake had other friends, which was a slight oversight on his part. He knew the intricate pattern of Jake's habits but only when Carlos himself was there, and even then he couldn't say exactly what Jake was doing on his computers, for an example. He almost felt guilty when he realized that he knew so little about Jake but, then again, he was pretty certain that if Jake wanted it differently he would have done something about that.

Carlos didn't think that Jake was hiding per se but he still managed to avoid revealing too much about himself, even to Carlos. The emotions he showed were always loud and boisterous, granted, but they were also very one-dimensional. Joy. Mischief. Enthusiasm. They weren't bad emotions and certainly not faked, but they were deceptively ordinary – and if there was one thing Carlos knew about Jake it was that he was everything but ordinary. A being as complex as Jacob Jensen shouldn't seem so simplistic.

And, just like that, Carlos realized that Jake might not be the innocent, unthinking kid he had always assumed that he was. Jake was actually pretty sneaky, all things considered, managing to hide in plain sight, never hinting at what he was really thinking underneath the bright smile and playful jokes. There were facets of Jake that Carlos hadn't even glimpsed so far and Jake was well aware of that. Jake knew exactly what he was doing.

Some might have felt put off by the realization that the person they had been living with for several months was more than you had given them credit for, but Carlos? He was intrigued. Mostly because he knew that Jake wasn't doing it to be rude or mean – it was probably a part of his self-preservation instincts by then, to shelter his innermost insecurities and emotions – and it offered depth to someone Carlos had previously thought he had already figured out.

Now it turned out that he hadn't. Jake had outsmarted him and that, more than anything, made Carlos keener to find out more.

He had always loved a challenge.

The first time Carlos came home injured they were lucky that it was just a couple of bruises, minor cuts and an admittedly nasty gash on his thigh from a knife. Carlos had no idea how Jake seemed to know about it even before he made it off the bus but the hug he received was desperate and tense, as if Jake was afraid of letting go. It wasn't until Carlos started mumbling soft reassurances – some in English, others in Spanish – that Jake relaxed enough that they could actually go home to the apartment.

Carlos wanted to point out that it wasn't so bad – he'd had worse – but he knew that wouldn't be a very comforting thing to say. And Jake seemed to settle down on his own as soon as he noticed that Carlos was barely even limping. Then the smiles and lazy grins were back and Carlos accepted the extra coddling only because it made Jake look less like a kicked puppy.

Never mind that Jake did it with the single purpose of making Carlos give in and that it worked every single time.

And, to be honest, Jake was a lot stronger than Carlos had expected so it wasn't as easy to withstand the pushing and prodding as it should have been. But that could be because Jake had started to fill out lately, growing muscles where there had only been skin and bones before. It almost came as a surprise to realize that even Jake was growing up, despite his sometimes childish personality.

He seemed marginally calmer too, when Carlos actually started to take notice. Jake was still completely whacked of course, way beyond anyone else Carlos had ever known, but there were moments when he would see a sort of maturity in him that hadn't been there before. Jake actually seemed _amused_ when he caught Carlos' surprise those times, as if he had just been waiting to see his reaction. It made Carlos realize that he probably shouldn't have been so hasty to file Jake away as a spastic kid.

And over the months that followed Carlos began to understand just how much he had been missing. Jake never changed on a fundamental level – he was apparently a happy, carefree person to his very core – but there was so much more to him that Carlos hadn't seen simply because he had stopped looking.

It took him ages before he realized that Jake had been paying his half of the rent, electricity, water and groceries for several months. Carlos hadn't even noticed, probably because he wasn't all that interested in his bills as long as they got paid, nor the fact that he had more money on his account than he should have. Jake had somehow gotten a hold of Carlos' account number and dutifully paid half of the expenses without saying a word.

When Carlos confronted him about it Jake smiled – just a soft, careful little curl of his lips – and flat out told him that Carlos wouldn't have let him if he had asked first. Jake was absolutely right. Carlos was the one who had taken him in and it was therefore his responsibility to make sure that they stayed afloat.

Jake strongly disagreed.

And that conversation, unsurprisingly, escalated into their first real argument. Carlos was man enough to admit that he lost.

It took him until after Jake had stormed out of the apartment with an angry, wordless snarl to face it, but Carlos was definitely the one in the wrong. Jake wasn't a kid. Jake had had a stable job for eight months and took perfect care of himself and the apartment in Carlos' absence. He cooked, cleaned and bought furniture for Heaven's sake; not even Carlos did that. There was nothing to suggest that Jake couldn't shoulder half of the financial burden – he clearly had been for several months already – and he didn't need Carlos to protect him.

Carlos couldn't quite understand why it was so difficult for him to accept that but he suspected that it was because it would change the dynamic between them. Carlos had gotten used to the thought of Jake being there because he needed someplace to live but if that wasn't the case anymore – if Jake was fine on his own – then how would that affect the balance between them?

What reason did Jake have to stay?

It was just so much easier when Carlos got to believe that Jake needed him. It was simple and concise. And it wasn't that Carlos had to feel useful; he was afraid that Jake would leave now that it seemed like he was much more independent than Carlos had first thought. Jake could manage on his own.

The problem was that Carlos desperately wanted him to stay.

Carlos was just short of pacing by the time Jake eventually came back, hours later, long after Carlos usually went to bed. Jake seemed surprised to find him up, his posture stiffening as soon as he realized that there would probably be another confrontation. But that wasn't it at all.

Carlos didn't even hesitate, looking up from where he was sitting on the couch.

" _Lo siento_."

Jake looked even more surprised, if that was even possible.

"Uh... okay, I can admit I didn't expect that." Jake hesitated before carefully making his way over to the couch, hovering a couple of seconds before taking a seat, further away than he usually would. He breathed out slowly. "I'd like to apologize too. For behaving the way I did."

Carlos' smile was rueful.

"My fault." He held up a hand to stop Jake's protests. "You're right. You're not a child."

"You know, that argument felt a lot more valid before I stormed out of the apartment like a drama queen."

It was impossible not to chuckle, especially since Jake's eyes were sparkling with mischief. There was a slight hesitation to it, sure, as if Jake wasn't sure where they stood at the moment, but Carlos could appreciate his effort to defuse the situation.

Jake took a deep breath.

"So you'll let me keep paying my share?"

Carlos didn't have to think on it before he was nodding. Jake had earned the right to be considered not as Carlos' charity case but an equal. And while Carlos might be scared that Jake would decide to move out now that he was practically independent he knew that refusing would only give Jake all the more reason to do so.

There was some shuffling as Jake inched closer to Carlos on the couch, obviously not able to remain on the unusually wide distance for very long.

"I really appreciate everything you've done, Carlos. If you hadn't let me stay here I wouldn't have gotten my job – that I love, by the way – and I wouldn't... well, God knows where I'd be. But I'm not okay with being a freeloader. I have more integrity than that." Jake looked at him, expression earnest and serious in a way that set off a pang in Carlos' chest. Jake really wasn't a kid. "I'd like to stay. I'd like to consider myself as your roommate, not your pet runaway. Is that okay?"

Of course it was. Jake deserved so much better than to be seen as some defenseless child. Jake was so much more than that.

" _Sí_. Roommate is better."

The grin blooming on Jake's face was infectious but instead of getting another burst of energy like he usually did whenever he got what he wanted Jake moved closer still, his head settling on Carlos' shoulder. It was a little unexpected but not unwelcome.

"Thanks, Carlos," Jake mumbled as he rubbed his cheek against Carlos' shoulder.

Carlos almost burst out laughing from the odd but undeniably adorable show of affection.

"Anytime, _gatito_."

There was a short pause.

"Did you just call me kitten?" Jake didn't sound insulted however, but rather amused and perhaps even a little flattered. Carlos chuckled.

"Hush," he said fondly, practically able to feel Jake's wide grin. Carlos leaned his cheek against the top of Jake's head and to his immense surprise Jake did indeed remain quiet. As did Carlos.

It wasn't until hours later when Carlos woke up with Jake's head pillowed on his chest that he even realized just how relaxed and relieved he had been. Apparently enough to fall asleep right there on the couch.

They had repositioned themselves sometime during the night, Carlos with his back against the armrest and pillows and Jake practically sprawled on top of him. Carlos had no idea how that was even possible. He should have woken up. While he might be used to close quarters on accounts of being in the Army there was a huge difference between that and having someone sleep literally on top of you. But apparently Jake was an exception to that rule as well.

Carlos breathed out slowly, Jake's head falling in time with his exhale. One of Jake's hands was gripping Carlos' shirt, as if he was trying to keep Carlos from leaving or holding on, afraid that he'd lose him somehow. A small, affectionate smile curled Carlos' lips and before he really considered what he was doing he had buried his nose in Jake's hair, breathing in the smell of his shampoo.

Jake gave a low, keening sound and Carlos placed his hand on top of Jake's, squeezing gently.

" _Duerme, gatito_ ," he whispered softly.

There was unintelligible mumble before Jake settled down again.

That warm, burning feeling in Carlos' chest felt like a fire by then, growing stronger and stronger for each day that passed. His heart was beating in a steady, firm pace but it felt like he was soaring. The warmth was spreading through his limbs, under his skin, settling at the very centre of his chest.

Carlos carefully wrapped his arms around Jake's sleeping form, deciding that he could linger, just for a couple of more minutes. He didn't want to move, not yet.

Not ever.

 

 

Carlos was nicknamed Cougar after a mission in Venezuela where his team was ambushed while he was on long distance cover and the only thing that saved them was Carlos' ability to stealthily pick off one gunrunner after the other – not all of them with his rifle.

It seemed to stick; he became Cougar instead of Alvarez. He didn't mind. It was a nice nickname. And during any other point in his life he would probably have embraced it wholeheartedly because the Army was his life and his team was as close to family as he could get. Except that wasn't quite true anymore. He couldn't see himself as Cougar because he was still Carlos whenever he went home.

Jake called him Carlos.

He liked Cougar and didn't mind being Cougar while on base or with his team, but he preferred Carlos. Jake made him prefer Carlos.

And he had no intention of closely examining the fact that Jake had somehow become more important to him than the Army.

Carlos wasn't sure if he would ever be prepared to face that.

Months passed. Before Carlos knew it Jake had been living with him for a year. It felt shorter while it at the same time felt so much longer. He couldn't remember what it had been like without Jake; he didn't make any real effort to do so since he was content with what he had.

Carlos had still never met Jake's sister but Jake had, on the other hand, never met Carlos' team either. Both seemed to keep that separate and never asked to be included, even if Carlos could admit that he was slightly curious. He wouldn't mind meeting Jess but he figured that it was up to Jake to decide when it was time.

Carlos was gone sometimes months at a time but every now and then the missions were shorter – just a week here and there. Sometimes he was on loan to the CIA. Carlos hated those missions but never said so out loud. Jake still knew. He was always less enthusiastic when Carlos left on those occasions – more subdued and concerned. Probably because he had noticed that Carlos didn't sleep all that well once he returned. It wasn't nightmares exactly but he couldn't sleep either.

It got worse the more of those missions he went on.

He became more distant and absent-minded, to the point that he didn't even register that Jake was talking to him. It was background noise he ignored, nothing more. Carlos had no idea how many of Jake's questions went unanswered simply because he couldn't seem to hear them. His mind was elsewhere, on missions blacked out from files and faces glimpsed in his crosshairs before their lives were snuffed out. By his hand.

Carlos knew that not all of them had deserved it and that wasn't something a couple of prayers and Sundays in church could fix. Nothing could fix that. Death was permanent.

It was the night that Jake didn't come home when he was supposed to that Carlos finally realized just how quiet and inattentive he had gotten. He couldn't recall if he had even said a single word to Jake in the past three days or if Jake had told him in advance that he would be staying longer at work that evening. Jake was over two hours late and Carlos didn't know why. Jake could be lying dead or dying in an alley somewhere and Carlos hadn't noticed until now.

He came closer to panicking than he had in many, many years.

His hands shook, only the slightest, as he texted Jake, asking him where he was. The reply came within seconds, easing some of the tension, but his heart was still beating hard and loud against his ribcage until he saw Jake with his own eyes, stepping through the door five minutes later.

Jake's nose and cheeks were red, as if he had been outside for a long time, and Carlos could see that his fingers were stiff from cold, his laptop bag slung over his shoulder. Carlos tried to swallow around the sudden tightness in his throat.

The park was five minutes away.

Jake had chosen not to come home. It was in the middle of February and Jake had opted to stay outdoors rather than facing Carlos.

"Hey, you okay?" Jake looked worried, halting mid-movement as he was lifting his laptop bag off his shoulder.

Carlos didn't know what to reply. If anything he should apologize for making Jake feel unwelcome enough to avoid him to this extent but what he ended up doing was to take the steps between them and pull him in for a hug. Carlos couldn't remember if he had ever initiated one before. They were always mutual but Jake was usually the one who took the first step.

Which was probably why Jake stiffened marginally for a split second.

But then Jake's laptop bag landed on the floor with a heavy thump and for once Jake didn't seem to care about his computer. He just wrapped his arms around Carlos in return, his cold cheek against the side of Carlos' head. It felt heavenly. Grounding.

"It's alright. I'm sorry. I'm here," Jake whispered. "I'm sorry, Carlos."

Without letting go Jake proceeded to explain that he had only wanted to give Carlos some space. How it was possible for Jake to know what was wrong without even asking, well, he had always been exceptionally good at understanding what Carlos needed even when others didn't. It hurt when he admitted that since Carlos had basically been ignoring him Jake had assumed that he should make himself scarce. It was only through gritting his teeth so hard his jaws ached that Carlos managed to hold back a pained, frustrated curse. That hadn't been his intention at all.

Jake continued by assuring him that he wasn't afraid or uncomfortable – it had nothing to do with Jake's own issues –, he was just trying to look out for Carlos. He chose to stay away because that was what Carlos had inadvertently told him to do. And Carlos hadn't noticed the other times Jake hadn't come home until late at night. It got so hard to breathe when Carlos heard that. How could he have missed that? How could he not have noticed that Jake wasn't there?

Jake was trying to be considerate and kind and Carlos was ignoring him. Jake thought that Carlos wanted him to stay away.

Carlos asked him not to do it anymore.

Jake's shoulders slumped in relief before he chuckled softly against Carlos' ear.

"Alright, I'll stay," he mumbled fondly and Carlos fought a shiver.

Jake never asked what Carlos was feeling or if he wanted to talk and Carlos was secretly a bit grateful for that. He didn't want to have to say no. But he would get better. He made sure not to lose track of Jake again. Not like that.

Jake handled it all with a surprising level headedness and once Carlos stopped isolating himself he realized that company was actually a much better way to deal with his issues, even if they never talked about them in particular. The nights he couldn't sleep Jake usually stayed up with him, which Carlos would have felt guilty about it if it wasn't for the fact that he appreciated the company too much and Jake seemed to treasure every second they spent together. Having Jake force him to watch a movie felt better than pacing inside his bedroom until the early hours of the morning.

Partly because Carlos loved feeling that warm, aching squeeze in his chest whenever Jake fell asleep, his head pillowed on Carlos' shoulder. It left Carlos breathless with some kind of emotion he wasn't sure if he could name and never really tried to understand. It made him happy and that was all he cared about.

He knew that Jake could easily stay up longer than Carlos did, no matter the situation or reason, but Jake chose to cuddle up close and fall asleep. Almost as if to demonstrate that it was actually possible, and sometimes Carlos followed his example, closing his eyes and letting himself drift off, the sound of the movie and Jake's calm, even breaths lulling him to sleep.

More often than not Carlos slept better out there on the couch with Jake than he did alone in his bed.

And slowly but surely it got better or at the very least easier to handle. They never talked about it out loud again but there was an understanding between them and Carlos knew that Jake could offer exactly the kind of support he needed. It was a strange feeling to have someone to rely on like that but definitely not an unwelcome one.

The times Carlos came home injured weren't many and whenever he did it was mostly just minor scratches or bruises. Twice he ended up staying at the base infirmary for a couple of days though – the first time for observation and the second for a gunshot wound to his shoulder. Jake didn't visit. It wasn't that he didn't want to – he offered, sounding awfully scared and anxious while doing so – but all the paperwork it would require made Carlos tell him not to, both times. It would be easier for Jake if he didn't, not to mention that Jake seemed worried enough as it was. Seeing Carlos in an actual hospital environment probably wouldn't help and the injuries weren't serious to begin with.

It wasn't until Carlos was released and could go back to the apartment that second time that he realized that Jake must have taken it as an _order_ not to. That he wasn't allowed to visit.

Jake didn't say anything – didn't as much as mention it – but his gaze flickered whenever it happened to settle on Carlos' shoulder, as if he wasn't even allowed to look at it. Jake was suddenly hesitant to touch him, uncomfortable and unsure when he thought that Carlos wasn't looking. Something twisted in Carlos' gut whenever he saw that expression on Jake's face.

So he asked Jake to help him whenever the bandage needed changing. Carlos wasn't used to letting other people do that – wasn't used to showing any kind of weakness really – but he'd make an exception for Jake.

He made all kinds of exceptions for Jake.

It actually helped. Carlos wasn't good with words but it was obvious that Jake understood the significance of it – the unmistakable trust Carlos had in him. And Carlos made a mental note to look over his options to add Jake as one of those allowed to visit him at the infirmary. He'd rather not see Jake look that haunted again if he could help it.

It was strangely intimate to have someone else care for your injuries when it wasn't taking place in a hospital setting. Jake seemed unbothered by the blood and was always careful and gentle, so focused on what he was doing that he often forgot to talk. And as such Carlos had nothing else to direct his attention towards but the thoughts in his own head or watching Jake as he worked. The latter proved to be unsettlingly distracting.

Jake had grown up. His shoulders were broader, his face more angular and he kept his hair shorter. He looked older. He looked _good_.

Carlos squashed that thought before it even took hold. He wasn't sure if it was his Catholic upbringing, their housing arrangement or just the mere fact that Jake wasn't even nineteen, but Carlos knew that it was dangerous to let something like that settle in his mind. So he fought it.

That didn't mean that he actually managed. Not when Jake smiled, his fingers brushing against the tattoo on Carlos' bare chest as he looked up through his lashes – those long, long lashes of his –, and said that he was considering getting one as well, but hadn't decided on what design yet. Jake wasn't trying to be coy, Carlos knew that, but it still landed somewhere in that vicinity. And fuck, those eyes of his were really blue.

Carlos tried to tell himself that the twist he felt in his gut – much lower than before – wasn't what he thought it was. But really, he knew that it was.

And if killing people for a living hadn't already earned him a one-way ticket to Hell this certainly would.

Luckily enough for Carlos it wasn't something he thought about all the time, not even in Jake's immediate presence, and when off on missions he nearly forgot about it entirely. But sometimes, when he came home and Jake hugged him in that warm, genuine way he always did Carlos could feel it curl in the pit of his stomach.

The worst one by far was the time Jake must have run out of clean t-shirt – if that was even possible considering the amount he seemed to own, all colorful with geeky or bizarre prints on them – and Carlos was faced with an affectionate, cuddly Jake wearing a plain white one with ARMY printed across in strong, bold letters.

That was Carlos' t-shirt.

It wasn't that he minded that Jake borrowed his clothes; the problem was that he really, really _didn't_ mind. The sight of Jake wearing something of his – and looking quite good while doing so – made some feral, primitive part of Carlos' hindbrain growl in possessive approval and Carlos should probably have that checked out. At his earliest convenience. That could lead to trouble.

So he made sure to push it out of his mind. He could ignore it; probably just a temporary thing anyway.

Besides, he soon got other things to think about when his team started falling apart – two went down during a mission, a third decided to retire and a fourth was probably just one trigger happy moment away from a dishonorable discharge – and Carlos found himself transferred to another one.

He wasn't entirely sure why he got singled out and sent off to become a Loser of all things, but perhaps his last psych eval had told the brass something he didn't know. Or perhaps there was just some kind of powerplay involved that Carlos didn't know about because it took place way above his head. He suspected the latter, if only because Colonel Clay seemed so pleased to have him on the team, which would have been a fairly odd reaction from a superior officer if Carlos had indeed been flagged as mentally unstable.

It only took him one mission with his new team to realize that no, that was actually a completely expected reaction according to Loser standard because they were all mad as hell.

Carlos was astonished by how well he ended up fitting in. He loved being a Loser.

He had nothing against his old team but there was a certain kind of freedom in being a Loser that he enjoyed – a mentality that suited Carlos' temperament surprisingly well. It took a while before they had found a balance that worked, as with all teams, but once it had settled it felt nigh unbreakable. Carlos felt at home there, not only because Clay more often than not refused to loan him out to other teams or missions, which put an effective end to those bordering on illegal missions for the Company. Carlos was more grateful than he could put into words and Clay didn't seem to expect him to do so either.

Jake seemed happier too, probably because he noticed the difference in Carlos. Whenever Carlos was home Jake was affectionate and playful, always lingering close and never shy when it came to touch. It was just simple things but some of them were still hard to ignore; some sent Carlos' heart racing despite his best efforts.

Like Jake placing a hand on Carlos' hip when he leaned in to reach around him for his toothbrush while Carlos was in the middle of shaving. It was only his pride that kept Carlos from cutting himself when Jake's thumb rubbed a little absently, slipping under Carlos' shirt to touch bare skin.

Or how waking up on the couch with a sleeping Jake nuzzling his stomach really wasn't good for Carlos' self-control. Nor was Jake's smiles – the teasing, flirtatious ones he offered without much thought – or the way Jake was rapidly learning Spanish once he got started, tossing out words and fractured sentences left and right, always beaming with pride when he got it right.

Carlos was slowly going insane, he was sure of it.

There were times when he thought that he caught glimpses of reciprocation on Jake's face – similar flashes of admiration and want – but they were always gone before Carlos could categorize them so he didn't know what to believe. He tried not to think about it too much but it was more difficult than expected.

He toyed with the thought of going out to find a nice girl to spend the night with – especially when he realized how long it had been since last time – but faltered before he even got started, simply because he didn't know how to tell Jake without feeling his _own_ chest constrict. That forced Carlos to come to terms with the fact that he was, beyond the shadow of a doubt, attracted to Jake Jensen – possibly also more emotionally attached than strictly recommended.

He could only deny it for so long.

Carlos wasn't exactly upset by it – even if there were some moments when the good Catholic in him screamed in protest – but it became easy to accept once he remembered just how much he _liked_ Jake and how much Jake meant to him. Then he actually felt pretty good about it because he had at least picked someone who knew him better than anyone else and made Carlos feel like a better person.

If only their situation had been different – Jake a little older –, then Carlos would have given it a shot in a heartbeat, especially since he figured that someone as open and loving as Jake would definitely not have anything against it. Carlos wished that he could be bold enough to suggest it, right then and there, but found himself hesitating. Carlos wasn't as into ethics and morals as his upbringing might suggest considering what he did for a living, but involving himself with someone so young – possibly inexperienced – felt like a line not even he should cross, no matter how much he might want to. So he didn't.

He chickened out, in other words.

Jake's nineteenth birthday was spent playing video games since Jake apparently saw it fit to buy himself a console. Carlos didn't mind. They had spent his twenty-fourth birthday the previous year with a Star Trek marathon and while that was all well and good he actually found that he enjoyed mangling zombies a lot more than watching philosophical sci-fi adventures.

Jake seemed to think that Carlos should get enough of the shooting on his day job but Carlos pointed out that it was good practice in case of a zombie apocalypse sometime in the near future, since it would help them survive longer. Jake gave him the dorkiest, happiest smile Carlos had ever seen and mumbled something about Carlos being the coolest, bestest sneaky sniper in the entire world.

Carlos made a mental note to himself that if he ever did decide to woo Jake he would be most successful by appealing to Jake's geeky side. It apparently made Jake almost adorably bashful when you suggested that you'd want to take on hordes of the undead with him at your side.

Then again, Carlos hadn't expected anything less from someone like Jake.

Carlos never asked what Jake did on his computer. It just didn't seem like something he had to be concerned about, or something Jake would be willing share, partly because Carlos suspected that all of it wasn't strictly legal. But he could admit that he didn't think it went much further than some pirating, foul language and intentional breaking of the agreed terms and conditions.

Carlos had obviously lost his touch when it came to detecting possible threats. Or it could be that Jake was the blindest spot Carlos had ever had. Both theories held some credence.

It was just difficult to take Jake seriously, especially since he had adopted the habit of stealing Carlos' hat every now and then when he sat in front of his laptop, because it allegedly made him sneakier. When Carlos asked why Jake would need to be sneaky Jake only grinned and winked, so Carlos assumed that it was just bullshit. But he still let Jake keep the hat because he was apparently fighting a losing battle when it came to denying Jake anything.

It was four months after Jake's nineteenth birthday that Carlos finally understood how blind he had been – and how much he had underestimated Jake's abilities.

It was becoming an alarming trend.

The Losers were neck deep in one of the longest, most drawn out missions Carlos had ever been on, mostly because they were gathering intel first rather than just shooting and blowing things up. It took them more than three months to find what they needed and then three days to get an eventual all clear from higher up to move in against a cartel of drug smugglers.

Carlos was calmly cleaning his rifle while listening to Clay confirming some coordinates with their temporary tech specialist – a skittish guy who seemed completely convinced that he would get gutted in his sleep, which, in all fairness, was an actual possibility considering that he had been the unlucky one to get the bunk next to Roque's. Pooch was double checking their transport out back and Roque was sharpening one of his knives, which didn't exactly decrease the level of skittishness their tech guy displayed.

Carlos looked up when the tech guy – Andersen something – cut off mid-sentence, staring at his screen. It was almost fascinating to see how quickly he turned deathly pale.

"Shit! Fuck! Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!"

Carlos raised an eyebrow. That was surprisingly colorful coming from someone who barely dared to speak up in the team's presence.

"What is it?" Clay sounded suitably alarmed but also vaguely reprimanding. Andersen was tapping away on his keys and Carlos saw on the wild look in his eyes that something was very wrong with whatever he was reading on the small laptop screen.

"Someone is-... the computer is being hacked, sir. I-I can't stop it." Andersen was panicking. Carlos couldn't exactly blame him.

"Hacked?" Clay barked, voice sharp and unforgiving. "How is that possible?"

"I don't know! It's supposed to be very secure, several safeguards put in place not only to hide our location but the intel we've gathered and I just-" Andersen cut off again and Carlos carefully moved the scattered pieces of his rifle so that he could get up and walk over to the cheap, wobbly table.

"What?" Roque asked impatiently.

Andersen was barely breathing.

"They're in. The hacker is in and I can't kick them out because-"

This time Carlos saw why Andersen paused, a simple window popping up on the screen, rapidly filling with words. Carlos read over Andersen's shoulder, knowing that Clay and Roque were doing the same on Andersen's left.

"' _The intel is bad_ '? What the hell?" Roque practically snarled. "What the fuck is going on, Andersen?"

"I-I don't know." But he was typing, forwarding Roque's question in the same window – obviously some primitive chat function – albeit with less curses. The reply felt urgent somehow.

_< <It's a trap. A set up. Don't go in.>>_

"Who is this guy?"

Once again Andersen forwarded Roque's words, chewing frantically on his bottom lip. There was barely even a pause before new words appeared on the screen.

_< <Doesn't matter. But I'm telling you, DON'T GO IN. It's a trap. I'll show you.>>_

Several more windows started popping up, showing satellite photos of the compound they were expected to infiltrate in just a couple of hours. There was a lot more movement going on than there had been during any other time they had checked. Andersen's eyes went wide.

_< <They started arriving four hours ago. They know you're coming. Someone decided not to forward these to you, so I am. It's a trap.>>_

Carlos glanced towards Clay.

"Boss?"

Clay shook his head slowly, eyes fixed the screen.

" _This_ could be the trap," he said slowly, Roque making a sound that could be an agreement or just a wordless growl. Andersen took it upon himself to ask why the hacker expected them to trust him or her.

Carlos stopped breathing for a second when the reply came.

_< <I will lose something quite dear to me if you go in. Kittens can get very lonely.>>_

The pieces started falling into place.

Jake always knew when Carlos was returning injured, sometimes even when Carlos hadn't mentioned it to him. Jake had always known when Carlos was going on a Company mission, or when it was time for tests and evaluations. Jake knew things he shouldn't, long before it was possible for him to do so; unless he had other channels to work with.

Jake was the hacker.

"Move," Carlos snapped, pushing Andersen out of the chair none too gently before occupying the seat he had just vacated. Carlos wasn't a particularly fast typer but he'd rather do it himself than have to tell Andersen what to write.

**< <This is not sneaky.>>**

A slight pause before the words started flowing again.

_< <Oh. Hi. No, not really, I can admit that, but I had to do something. You can't go in.>>_

"Cougar, what is going on?" Clay demanded to know. Carlos shook his head, focusing on writing his response. He was just short of tossing the laptop into a wall though. Jake was a careless fool.

**< <Are you serious?>>**

_< <Do you think that I would joke about something like this?>>_

Carlos gritted his teeth, cursing under his breath.

**< <You sure? About the intel?>>**

_< <Triple checked it. A leak, higher up. Tell the Colonel that I can trace it if he wants me to. I can find them. Don't go in.>>_

Carlos took a deep breath before glancing up at Clay who, understandably, looked thunderous.

"Cougar, you and I are going to have a very serious conversation about what kind of people you are socializing with."

"Alright, we'd all like to know who this smart guy is but right now the mission takes priority," Roque pushed in, catching Clay's gaze. "We need to start packing up in half an hour if we're still going through with this so you better make a decision on whether to trust Cougar's hacker friend or not."

Carlos wanted to point out that he was as surprised by the hacker thing as they were but he figured that it wouldn't exactly earn him any points in Clay's eyes.

"Cougar?" Clay's voice was stern and commanding. Carlos threw a quick look at the chat window, feeling a sting in his chest.

_< <Please don't. I'm begging you. Please. I'm not wrong. I know I'm not wrong. I wouldn't joke about something as important as this.>>_

Carlos wasn't sure if he only imagined the unsaid 'something as important as you', but considering what he knew about Jake he was fairly certain that he wasn't. Jake was terrified.

"I trust him," Carlos replied, calm and firm, not a single waver to be heard. He met Clay's gaze without hesitation. "It's a trap."

Roque cursed. Clay took a deep breath, rubbing a hand over his face.

"Alright, we're aborting. Tell him to track the leak," Clay ordered. Carlos nodded before turning back towards the laptop, infinitely grateful that Clay trusted his judgment enough not to argue.

Jake was apparently close to panicking.

_< <Are you there? Come on, don't leave me hanging. I'm freaking out here. Don't go in.>>_

**< <We won't. Track the leak.>>**

Carlos wasn't even sure what he was feeling. Betrayed? Not quite. Confused? Definitely. Pissed off? You bet.

_< <Okay, will do. And... sorry for not telling you about the uh... spying.>>_

Carlos pressed his lips together into a thin line, knowing that Clay was still reading over his shoulder. But at least that cleared Carlos of some suspicion. Jake didn't seem to understand how severe this was – what crimes he could be accused of when he hacked into military channels like this. While it might not matter so much that this particular op was compromised Carlos knew that this wasn't the first time Jake had done this. Jake must have been at it for several months, perhaps even a full year.

**< <You are in so much trouble.>>**

_< <No kidding? But to my defense – your tech guy sucks.>>_

Andersen made an indignant sound that Carlos completely ignored.

**< <Not in your favor. Shut up. Find the leak.>>**

It took a couple of seconds for Jake to reply and Roque was already shoving his things back into his bag. Andersen was fiddling, looking both insulted and nervous at the same time.

 _< <I'll keep in touch_.>>

Carlos wanted to snap at him not to but if they wanted to find out who had leaked the information to the drug cartel Jake had to contact them again. Carlos could feel Clay's eyes burning a hole at the back of his neck. He probably wasn't in trouble since Jake had been doing this behind Carlos' back, but there was definitely a scolding in his future all the same.

_< <I'm sorry. Don't be mad.>>_

Carlos pressed the keys a little harder than strictly necessary.

**< <Too late _. >>_**

Carlos pushed off from the table and got to his feet. Andersen could take care of the rest. Carlos was far too frustrated to be of much use. Anger was burning in his gut but more than anything he felt embarrassed. He felt like he should have seen this coming; he should have noticed or at least suspected it. But he hadn't.

Granted that Jake did it with Carlos' safety in mind but that didn't mean that it wasn't terribly risky – for them both – and Carlos knew that if Clay found out who Jake was he could have him arrested before Carlos even made it back to the states. But, then again, the only one who could tell him the hacker's identity and whereabouts was Carlos and it had already been established that if he had to choose between Jake and the Army – or more specifically court marshal for refusing to obey an order – he would pick Jake in a heartbeat.

So Carlos just had to hope that Clay wouldn't ask but it was difficult to tell if that would be the case considering the furious look on his CO's face. Carlos ignored it, returning to his rifle.

Pooch chose that moment to step back inside, looking understandably confused by Roque's furious packing, Andersen sharp posture and stiff mannerism, and Clay's obvious agitation.

"Okaaay," Pooch ventured slowly, hesitantly, "what did I miss?"

Roque looked up, sneering.

"Cougar's got himself a hacker boyfriend."

Funnily enough Carlos' only thought was _if only that was true_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This honestly messes a little with my own headcanon because I think Cougar was older when he joined The Losers, but for the sake of this fanfic I'm just rolling with it, alright?
> 
> Also, yes, this is basically just fluff and cuteness and steadily growing sexual tension and I had so much fun writing it. The next chapter contains some sex though so there's that x'D I'm not used to writing sex scenes but I did my best!
> 
> [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) is my awesome beta! And the art for this chapter can be found  
> [HERE](http://lienwyn.tumblr.com/post/81520411811/fanart-for-runaway-by-amethystina-my-da-the)!


	3. The Hacker

 

* * *

 

Clay was not pleased. Carlos had absolute understanding for this but still couldn't help being stubborn and curt when the Colonel questioned him about their mysterious hacker. Clay seemed wise enough not to ask outright who this person was – he probably saw on Carlos' face that he would refuse to answer – but he definitely interrogated Carlos on the situation as a whole.

There wasn't much to tell.

No, Carlos had not known. No, Carlos had no idea how many missions 'his friend' might have compromised with his presence. Yes, Carlos was sure that he meant no harm. Yes, Carlos trusted this person explicably, even if he hadn't been informed about the extracurricular activities. Yes, Carlos was just as pissed off as Clay was.

That seemed to settle some of Clay's anger but it was marginal. Carlos was lucky to get off with nothing more than a sharp warning and an order to put an end to the hacking, through any means necessary. Carlos wasn't entirely sure how he was supposed to accomplish that without resorting to physical restraints, since Jake was undoubtedly working on his defense speech already and he was, despite his flaky nature, pretty good with words and avoidance tactics.

It smoothed some of Clay's ruffled feathers that Jake sent an in depth report of who had been responsible for the leak as well as a pile of evidence against them – some not even related to their employment. Carlos wasn't exactly sure what Jake expected Clay to do with the information that one of the three conspirators had committed insurance fraud two years back and that another frequented an establishment known to be a high end brothel, but it left Clay looking reluctantly impressed.

"Your boy is good," Clay said with a nod towards the computer, and Carlos would be damned if he didn't feel a burst of pride at that.

Jake wasn't 'his boy' and it was definitely illegal but Carlos still couldn't deny that he too was impressed. He had had no idea what Jake was capable of. Carlos had never asked and Jake had never told. It was almost a little frightening to know that there were probably very few things Jake _couldn't_ find if he had a computer and a decent Internet connection.

Carlos was suddenly very glad to have Jake on his side.

That didn't keep him from being thoroughly pissed off when he finally got home five days later. After they had been extracted after aborting the mission it had still taken time to organize the transport back to the US and Carlos knew that it was only because Clay wanted him to deal with the hacker situation that he wasn't forced to sit through the debriefs and meetings that would be put in place to review the mission and why it had failed. Clay could handle that, especially considering the information he was now armed with, while Carlos went home to confront his roommate.

Jake had been wise enough not to offer to come meet Carlos this time – since that would undoubtedly have resulted in some sort of altercation in the middle of the street – but he had obviously been waiting for Carlos to come marching through the front door.

Carlos could admit that he stopped short at the sight of him.

Jake didn't seem to notice, rising from the couch with his hands held out in a calming if a bit wary manner.

"Alright, no death and maiming, please," Jake said, firm despite the obviously deep shit he was in. Carlos had a hard time giving a damn about that because he barely even recognized him.

It had only been four months since he saw him last but Jake looked completely different. Even if Carlos had noticed the slow progression of Jake growing older and firmer he still couldn't believe that this was the scrawny, fractured boy he had met in the park over eighteen months ago.

Jake had grown into his height and limbs, now broad and muscled, his confidence solidifying with it. His face had lost a lot of its softness, his jaw sharper, cheekbones more prominent, but the eyes were still brilliantly blue behind the now – for some reason – tinted lenses of his glasses. And since when did Jake have hints of a beard?

The realization that the Jake Carlos imagined inside his head when away from home was nothing like the Jake he actually found when he returned slammed into him full force. There was no denying that while Jake was still obviously young he was definitely not a boy anymore. Not one bit. The warmth that spread low in Carlos' stomach, clenching like a tight fist, was shockingly strong and unbelievably inappropriate, most of all because he was supposed to be angry with Jake, not try to kiss him.

Carlos of course didn't – he had more self-control than that – and was grateful that Jake didn't seem to have picked up on the conflicting emotions he was battling with. Carlos would rather keep it that way.

He put his duffle on the floor at the same time as Jake spoke up again.

"So, I know you're really, really mad at me – and I get that, I do – but to save time I'm going to just beat you to the punch on most of the things I'm guessing you want to yell at me for if, you know, you actually were one to yell." Jake held up one finger. "One, yes, I've been sneakily keeping track of you while you're on missions for about eleven months now. Two, I have never spread any of the information I've found to anyone else and always been extremely careful not to get caught. Three, I've only ever kept on the outskirts until now because I do, contrary to popular belief, understand the word subtlety and that secret missions are secret missions."

Jake was adding one finger for each sentence. Carlos crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for more, since he knew that there had to be.

"Four, I know it's illegal, I know I'm in deep shit and I know that I put you in a horrible position but you would have _died_ if I didn't do this, alright?" Jake sucked in a deep breath and seemed to deflate somewhat, his previously firm gaze flickering to the floor, walls and various furniture – anything but Carlos. "And five is just... I worry, man. And I've never actually intervened before, you have to trust me on that. I just wanted to make sure that you get home okay because I don't know what I would do if you-... if you didn't. And if I hadn't stepped up this time you wouldn't have, Carlos. You would have _died_. And I can't deal with that." Jake's voice grew stronger again, sounding almost angry. "I'm sorry for the secrecy and for the way you found out but I'm not sorry for doing it. I don't regret it. And I know that you are probably considering giving me up to your Army buddies or the authorities and if you do I understand, but I only ever did it because I wanted to help you."

Jake was breathing hard, his eyes earnest and insistent, as if he was begging Carlos to understand. And Carlos did. He would probably have done the same if their situations had been reversed, but that didn't mean that an apology would magically make things better. Carlos still had the right to be mad.

"Please, Carlos," Jake whispered, licking his lips nervously, "I know I screwed up and I'm sorry for that. But please don't hate me. Please, I'm begging you. I only ever peeked at what was going on, never ruined anything, never tripped any alarms and never, ever hurt anyone. Ever."

Carlos pursed his lips, feeling himself sway. It would have been different if Clay had been harsher and if Jake had actually caused any harm, but Carlos didn't doubt him when he said that he hadn't. Granted that this was a security breach of epic proportions but if no one had found out so far they could still keep it quiet. Roque had already threatened Andersen with disembowelment if he spoke to anyone about it or mentioned it in any reports. The rest of them weren't going to say anything, mostly because they wanted to catch the bastards who had set them up in the first place, which also meant hiding Jake's involvement.

This could and would disappear. Carlos was fine with that. But he still felt out of balance and slightly betrayed. He could understand why Jake hadn't told him – and Carlos probably wouldn't have liked it no matter when he found out – but it was a bit hard to swallow, even if he had already had a couple of days to work it through.

"Carlos, please. You have the right to be angry but I-"

Jake cut himself off when Carlos turned, heading for his room.

"Wait! I'm sorry! Please don't-" Jake moved to follow but it only took one look thrown over Carlos' shoulder to make him stop, the words dying on his lips.

Carlos didn't let himself feel guilty over the heartbroken look on Jake's face as he slammed the door shut. Not that being in his bedroom really helped. Jake had been sleeping in it for four months so it smelled more of him than of Carlos.

Still, Carlos needed some time to breathe and he wouldn't be able to do that in front of Jake. Carlos wasn't nearly as angry as Jake seemed to think but that wasn't the only thing bothering him. He still couldn't quite come to terms with the fact that Jake was no longer someone Carlos felt vaguely guilty about perhaps being attracted to but instead someone that he found himself wanting with an unsettling intensity. Even when he was mad at him. Possibly _because_ he was mad at him. It would have felt incredibly satisfying to take out his frustration on Jake with a rough, unforgiving kiss.

But that wasn't an option, or at least not one Carlos had any intention of resorting to.

Instead he took the time to gather his calm. Jake always seemed to have the ability to get under his skin in ways that no one else could. Carlos had no idea what to feel about that anymore.

It hadn't been many minutes before he heard a loud thump, followed by a colorful curse, on the other side of the closed door. Carlos paused, listening to the sounds that drifted to him. It sounded like Jake was turning the place upside down.

A sharp spike of dread cut through Carlos' chest and he had taken the steps necessary to reach and open the door in the next second. His stomach dropped, a hideous, aching tightness pulling at his chest. Jake was shoving a haphazard gathering of wires into his laptop bag, his stuffed backpack dumped by his feet.

" _¿Qué?_ "

Jake glanced up, his jaws tightly clenched and expression fierce. His eyes looked sad though. Lonely, lost and more than a little desperate.

"I'm packing. While I won't blame you for calling in an air strike on me right now I'm not going to just sit around and wait to be arrested." Jake straightened, his back rigid. "You can keep the-... well, everything. I can't bring much more than this with me so I guess I'm kind of back where I started, which is depressingly poetic, but-"

Jake snapped his mouth shut when Carlos moved closer and it seemed that his sense of pride was the only thing that kept him from recoiling. He was unmistakably tense though and Carlos made sure not to push his luck even if his heart was pounding in his chest. Jake couldn't leave. Carlos didn't want him to leave.

"No arrests," he hastened to say, trying to sound as soothing as possible.

Jake rubbed a hand over his face.

"Okay, thanks, I appreciate that, but you can't exactly speak for the rest of your team."

"I can. No one will mention it." Carlos held up his hands, reaching out for Jake, as if he could physically keep him from leaving. Jake drew back, but he looked frustrated rather than afraid.

"I seriously doubt that. But thanks for attempting to make me feel better. I'm just trying to solve this in the best way possible and-"

"Running away isn't it," Carlos interrupted. Jake looked angrier than Carlos had ever seen him.

"Then what am I supposed to do? I don't have many options!" Jake tossed his laptop bag back onto the desk that usually housed his computer and other little gadgets but was now wiped clean, packed away into Jake's two bags. "And you know what? I'm not even sure why I'm apologizing! I saved your life! I saved your entire _team_! That's like five people and I really think that makes up for some simple hacking."

Carlos couldn't help raising a dubious eyebrow. Jake snorted.

"Yeah, it was easy, alright? And I still don't regret it because-..." Jake swallowed, his face crumpling. "I was really scared, okay? When I noticed that someone was jamming your tech's updates I freaked." He looked up, eyes steely and angry. Hurt. "Don't you get it? You and Jess are the only two people I care about – I don't have anyone else. I had to do something!"

It was unfair to say that Jake looked like a terrified little boy but there was a vulnerability and desperation to his movements – a tremble in his voice – that made Carlos' heart ache. Jake was spiraling towards panic and Carlos took a cautious step closer.

"Jake," he tried softly, but Jake only shook his head, reaching for his laptop bag as if getting ready to leave. Carlos put more strength in his voice. "Jake, look at me."

Jake didn't, but he did keep talking.

"You have no idea what it felt like, Carlos. I know you're used to it because you're the one living it but I was hundreds of miles away and I knew that you'd all be killed if you went through with that mission." Jake's voice wavered, his words tumbling over his lips. "It was the only thing I could do. I couldn't let you die. I couldn't lose you. I love you, Carlos. I love you so fucking much and I refuse to sit by and watch-"

"Shh, Jake. Jake, _cálmate_." Carlos threw caution to the wind and moved well within Jake's personal space, placing one hand on Jake's chest while unfurling the almost painfully tight grip Jake had around the laptop bag with the other. " _Cálmate, gatito_. It's alright. It's fine."

Jake made a wounded noise at the back of his throat and perhaps Carlos shouldn't have been surprised to feel one of Jake's hands slip behind his neck and lips press against his own. While loving someone could be entirely platonic the fierceness in Jake's words hadn't left much doubt concerning what kind of love he was talking about.

Carlos didn't understand how there could be so much desperation in a kiss that lasted no more than two seconds. That was all the time he had before Jake hastily pulled back, eyes wider and more terrified than Carlos had ever seen. Jake had definitely not planned that kiss. Carlos could literally see the moment Jake's mind seemed to shutter down, closing in on itself and shying away to protect himself. He tried to flinch back, obviously taking Carlos' slight delay in reaction as rejection when it was more a matter of overcoming his surprise.

Carlos quickly grabbed a hold of Jake's t-shirt with one hand, looping the other around his back.

"No, no, no. Jake, it's okay. Stay. It's okay."

It was, wasn't it?

It sure felt like it, when Carlos let his hand wander higher, until his thumb could slide along Jake's jaw. For a brief, tense moment Jake seemed to be holding his breath, coiled tight and possibly ready to lash out, but then he suddenly relaxed, his eyelids fluttering before closing. He leaned into Carlos' touch, wordlessly seeking comfort. Carlos could feel him trembling.

"Shh... It's alright. Don't leave," Carlos mumbled softly before leaning closer, his breath ghosting against Jake's lips. This was still a very bad idea – Carlos was well aware of that – but there was only so much he could take before his self-control crumbled. And Jake certainly didn't seem to mind. Nineteen was old enough. Not ideal, but old enough.

There was a slight hitch to Jake's breath when Carlos kissed him, sweet and gentle. Carlos could feel Jake's heart beat against his own, its rhythm considerably less even. Jake's lingering fear was tangible, to the point that Carlos could almost taste it.

Whatever anger Carlos might still have been feeling melted away. A low, whine escaped Jake as he pulled away, barely enough to catch his breath, before coming right back to deepen the kiss. It was still slow and indulgent – awed almost – and Carlos couldn't deny that it was more breathtaking than most wild, passionate kisses he had had. It moved patiently, an unhurried crawling heat spreading through his veins and limbs, and it only seemed to keep building and building.

He pulled Jake closer, not protesting when his hat got plucked off his head and tossed out of the way. Carlos could feel Jake practically vibrating under his hands, all that energy and enthusiasm no doubt begging to be set free. Filthy, filthy ideas filled Carlos' mind and he growled low in his throat at the thought of all the things he could do to Jake – how he could make him beg and moan. Jake wouldn't be passive or weak – he was far too strong and stubborn for that – but Carlos would love to have him aching and pliant in his hands. He knew he could have that.

Jake was already so responsive, whimpering softly when Carlos broke the kiss to latch on to Jake's neck instead, taking his time to trace his lips along it. Jake's fingers were twisted in Carlos' shirt, clinging, his breathing fast and light as Carlos kissed along his throat. A sharp gasp was heard when Carlos dragged his teeth along Jake's tantalizing skin.

"F-fuck. Oh Jesus Lord God almighty."

Carlos allowed the slight blasphemy of taking the Lord's name in vain only because he took such pleasure in hearing Jake's voice pitched low and trembling like that. He hummed against Jake's neck, one hand splayed against the small of Jake's back and the other slipping through his short, blond hair.

"Fuck," Jake whispered with feeling, sounding pretty out of it already. On accounts of him being nineteen, Carlos figured.

"Not yet," Carlos replied smoothly. Jake literally whined – which might have caused a slight tightening in Carlos' gut.

Yes, he was definitely going to Hell for this, but _oh_ how he would make sure to enjoy it.

"Not even a little bit?" How someone could sound so miserable and adorably hopeful at the same time was a mystery to Carlos, especially considering the thick, heady arousal hanging in the air between them.

"Now?" Carlos pulled back to meet Jake's gaze.

"Well, duh. I've been dreaming about this for _months_ so if you think that I haven't gotten used to the thought and feel practically ready to rip your clothes off then you're just plain dumb." Jake cleared his throat, his cheeks turning pink. "Or, I mean... well..."

Carlos raised an eyebrow and Jake hurriedly changed tracks.

"I mean, have you been looking at us lately? All that dancing around? We've been doing the whole foreplay thing for like six months already – granted that you've been away on a mission during four of those, but the fact still remains that-"

Carlos cut him off with a deep, thoroughly silencing kiss. Jake still managed to whimper a little helplessly against Carlos' lips before melting into it a second later. It was easy to take command, pulling Jake down with one hand and letting the other slip under Jake's t-shirt and slide up along his back. Jake shivered, arching fluently into the touch, pushing closer.

Jake's skin was warm under Carlos' palm and he could feel the muscles shift and move as Jake buried one hand in Carlos' hair, trying to get closer, deeper – more. The slight tug on his hair, caused by Jake's unmistakable eagerness, sent a surprisingly sharp sizzle down Carlos' spine. That was new. His hair had grown longer than usual during his four month mission but that was obviously not a bad thing. Carlos could allow Jake's enthusiasm a little more free reign.

It wasn't like Carlos couldn't keep up.

While he had never done this with another man before he figured that the principle was the same and he had a hard time believing that anything would have changed concerning what felt good or not.

He got that confirmed when he pushed harder – kissing deeper, fingers trailing along bare skin – and Jake moaned, his breaths stuttering against Carlos' lips. The burn flared brighter, the kisses turning heated – wild and untamed – and Carlos started pushing Jake towards the bedroom. They might as well if this was going where Jake apparently wanted it to go.

Carlos couldn't remember if he had ever been with anyone this eager. Jake was stumbling backwards, reluctant to let go even for a second, but still tried to find his way as quickly as possible. It was only a sharp tug from Carlos that made sure that Jake narrowly missed slamming into the doorpost.

He pushed Jake against it all the same, pinning him for a moment, hands sliding up Jake's stomach, shoving the brightly colored t-shirt higher the further his hands traveled. Jake trembled, gasping for breath as Carlos' fingers wandered – exploring –, and let out a positively delicious little keening sound when Carlos teased over his nipples. Both of Jake's hands were entwined in Carlos' hair by then, angling his head to his liking as they kissed, the grip firm and strangely arousing.

It had to loosen when Carlos tugged Jake's t-shirt over his head – almost bringing his glasses with it in his haste – and Jake hurriedly tried to return the favor, fumbling to get rid of Carlos' clothes. It might not be very well-mannered of him but Carlos couldn't help chuckling at Jake's unmistakably inexperienced enthusiasm. Jake only grinned, glasses crooked on his nose and eyes sparkling with something far less innocent than mischief this time. There was no hesitation in his movements, even if his hands were shaking, and when he leaned in for another kiss Carlos met it half way, not afraid to unleash the pent up want and sheer need he felt.

Jake's kisses were unrefined and almost a little too intense – so much like him – and Carlos found himself craving them, not able to get enough once he finally had a chance to taste them. Jake offered them gladly, shivering under Carlos' hands as he caressed his skin.

Jake was the one finally pulling them into the bedroom and Carlos took pity on the clumsy attempts to undress him, shucking off his jacket and pulling off his shirt. Fingers splayed over the tattoo on Carlos' chest as soon as it came within view, Jake's palm pressing against it, no doubt feeling the thrum of Carlos' heart underneath it.

"Always wanted to do this..." Jake mumbled, almost to himself. "You're gorgeous."

Carlos allowed himself a moment to feel flattered before he gently pulled Jake's hand away, kissing his knuckles before reaching up catch Jake's lips instead.

It was almost amusing how little doubt there was in Carlos' mind. He knew that there were many things he should feel guilty about when his arms slipped around Jake's waist, pulling them flush together so that he could feel their warmth mingle. The sensation of having Jake's bare skin against his own was one Carlos knew he would never want to forget, and perhaps that was why he had no regrets.

If this was wrong it shouldn't feel this good.

Carlos' bedroom was small so there were no issues finding the bed but Carlos made sure to pause before allowing them to tumble onto it, reaching for Jake's fly. The look on Jake's face was absolutely breathtaking and would probably feature in several of Carlos' fantasies from then on; wide-eyed and eager, lips slightly parted and gaze set ablaze with rolling hunger.

You could get addicted from less.

There was a cheekiness to Jake's grin when he allowed Carlos to push his jeans and underwear down and while Carlos appreciated Jake's obvious lack of discomfort he should probably start making an effort not to let Jake get away with being such a brat.

"You know, I think I can really get used to-" Jake never finished the sentence, his words swallowed by the choked, garbled sound he gave off when Carlos stroked him, boldly and without warning. Jake swayed on his feet, breath hitching and breaking as his fingers fumbled and found their way into Carlos' hair once more, curling desperately and holding on for dear life.

The blissed out expression on Jake's face – the slack-jawed awe – looked absolutely beautiful together with his hooded eyes, pupils blow wide. Carlos smirked as he leaned closer, his hand moving carefully, teasing, eliciting a trembling moan from Jake.

" _Guarda silencio_ ," he whispered against Jake's lips. He found himself growling in pleasure when Jake's finger twisted, tugging on his hair.

"Well," Jake panted, not quite able to look as brazen when he was struggling not to let his knees buckle, "then you better keep me busy."

Carlos' grin showed a feral streak.

"I intend to."

Pushing Jake back onto the bed was easy and Carlos wasted no time before shedding the last remnants of his own clothes before climbing in after. Jake seemed to swallow harshly.

"Shit. This is really happening, isn't it?" His hands spread over Carlos' chest before hooking behind his neck and pulling him down for a breathless, aching kiss. "It's really happening. Fuck. This is awesome. I am the luckiest guy alive, swear to God."

Jake was mumbling, his voice raspy and barely audible, and Carlos couldn't help chuckling. Jake beamed up at him, and more than anything he looked happy. Giddy. Fucking delirious. Carlos wasn't sure if anyone had ever looked at him like that before, not with that kind of almost reckless trust and unconditional devotion. It made an entirely different kind of need spread in his chest.

He leaned in for a kiss, pushing Jake flat on his back against the sheets. Jake didn't fight it but instead responded eagerly to every single thing Carlos did. The beautiful curve of his back when he arched off the bed, smooth and fluent under Carlos' hands, was pure poetry. Carlos couldn't get enough.

Jake's mindless babbling cut off once Carlos had settled between his spread legs and rolled his hips, causing friction that had them both struggling for air. He braced his hands against the bed, next to Jake's shoulders, to gain better leverage. The small, lost little sound Jake made urged Carlos on and Jake moved against him, eager and without any kind of finesse but enticing all the same. Jake scrambled to touch every last bit of Carlos that he could reach – as if he thought that this was his one chance to do so – and Carlos hushed him softly, trying to soothe that almost frantic urgency.

He brushed his lips against Jake's jaw, his cheek, down to his ear, while one of his hands wandered lower, finding its way between them. Jake almost stopped breathing entirely when Carlos took them both in hand, his strokes slow and patient. It took a moment but eventually Jake seemed to match the pace, his hands stilling until he was holding on rather than fighting for purchase.

Carlos felt pleasure humming in his veins, crackling under his skin, but nothing could compare to the look on Jake's face. He seemed far past talking but still managed to smile that dorky, delighted smile of his in between his gasps. He looked like he was having the time of his life and Carlos felt his heart ache and swell from the amount of happiness it tried to contain.

They retreated into their own little world, filled with breathless moans, smooth, heated skin and the rhythmic, elevated beating of their hearts. The kisses they shared were indulgent and sweet, even when Jake started shaking, his body tensing as he fell deeper and deeper into the pleasure of it all. Carlos couldn't help staring at the blissful expression Jake wore, the way he bit his bottom lip – as if that would keep the sounds from escaping – and reveling in the feeling as they moved together.

Jake almost seemed surprised when he peaked, sucking in a sharp, broken-off breath, his fingers digging into Carlos' shoulders as he rode it out. It was a sight to behold.

Carlos hummed, nuzzling against Jake's jaw, listening to his pants as he tried to calm down.

"Shit." Jake had apparently found his ability to speak again. "I mean-... just-... wow. Dude."

Or maybe not.

Carlos chuckled, smiling against Jake's cheek when he felt fingers tread through his hair.

"Sorry. That-... was very uncool," Jake mumbled, sounding quite embarrassed. "I should have-"

"No," Carlos interrupted calmly, ignoring his own need for now. He could be extremely patient when he needed to be. He eased up a little, giving Jake a soft, closed mouth kiss. "You liked it?"

Jake nodded.

"Yeah, of course, but-"

"No buts," Carlos assured him, the tips of their noses brushing. "We have time."

Jake seemed to relax, a smile soon spreading on his lips.

"Okay. But you won't mind if I insist on getting my hands on that, would you?" Jake nodded down between them, rather pointedly. "Because, let me tell you, I've been fantasizing about that _a lot_."

Carlos couldn't hold back a full-blown laugh, helpless against Jake's bluntness.

"I'm just going to go ahead and take that as a yes," Jake practically chirped.

Carlos had no idea how someone could go from boneless satisfaction to star-eyed enthusiasm that quickly, but then again, Jake was nineteen and a very energetic nineteen-year-old at that.

Despite his words Jake still waited until Carlos had given a consenting nod before his hands started wandering along Carlos' sides, finding their way downwards, but not without stopping to explore on the way. Carlos leaned down for a kiss, feeling the heat starting to rise again as Jake's fingers caressed his skin.

The first touch made Carlos hiss against Jake's lips, which Jake seemed to be infinitely proud over, and what he lacked in grace he made up for with generous devotion. His movements were a little halting, a little fumbling, but he seemed too enthralled to do anything but try harder. Which Carlos was grateful for and admittedly made him crave it even more.

"This is very different the other way around," Jake mumbled, probably to himself more than anything, but he looked up when Carlos snorted from amusement. Jake grinned, one of his hands wandering into Carlos' hair, trying to gather up as much as possible and presumably keep it from falling into his face. It was a lot longer than usual and what regulations would allow but Jake seemed to like it.

So did Carlos, when another little tug made him groan and arch his back.

"Mmm, kinky. I like it. Maybe you-"

Carlos shut him up with a kiss. Jake complied with a pleased little sound, his hand never stilling, and Carlos realized that he wouldn't last much longer. He could already feel it coiling and pulsing in his gut and Jake's happy humming only added to the shivers ghosting across his skin.

A couple of moments later he felt himself tipping over the edge, breath caught in his throat and mind wiped completely blank for several blissful seconds.

The rest of the world returned slowly, piece by piece as Carlos' came down from his high. His arm was trembling from holding him suspended for so long but he didn't want to just slump down either. When he opened his eyes Jake was looking up at him with wide eyes, something akin to amazement – possibly worship – on his face.

Carlos raised an eyebrow and Jake seemed to swallow, holding Carlos in place when he moved to lay down next to him.

"No, wait. Just-... stay. A little longer." Jake sounded reverent. Or possibly drunk.

"Not going far," Carlos pointed out. Jake smiled sheepishly, fingers still entwined in Carlos' hair, keeping him where he was.

"I know... I just can't help wanting to stare at you," he whispered, his smile softening. The look in Jake's eyes was unlike anything Carlos had ever seen and to his embarrassment he felt his heart beginning to race.

Jake looked like he had found Heaven itself.

"You're just so beautiful and I can't believe that I have you. Right here, with me." Jake's voice was barely even a whisper, wobbly and frail. "I never thought I'd have something like this. I never thought I'd have _you_ and I just don't want to let go because I don't want to wake up and realize that all of this was just a dream because I love you so much and I don't think that I would survive if-"

It wasn't to shut him up that Carlos kissed him this time; it was to silence the ache in his own chest. It burned under his ribs, squeezing around his heart until he could barely breathe. Jake made no sound whatsoever this time but his arms moved to wrap around Carlos, pulling him down until there was as little space between them as possible. The embrace wasn't desperate but urgent all the same.

Carlos waited until it had faded somewhat – when Jake was less tense underneath him – before he eased back, smiling fondly.

"It's real."

Jake swallowed and his responding smile was a little shaky.

"Thank God for that..."

Carlos mumbled his ascent against Jake's cheek before kissing the corner of his mouth. Jake, of all things, giggled.

"Mm... beard tickles," he slurred in explanation and Carlos chuckled, feeling rather than seeing Jake's smile widen. Carlos wasn't sure if he had ever felt his happy – euphoric even – after sex. It felt like a growing tidal wave, sweeping through him as he rested against Jake's chest, one warm, gentle hand drawing useless patterns on his bare back.

And when Jake nuzzled against the side of his head, giving off a sound unmistakably close to a purr, Carlos found himself laughing, effortless and bright.

" _Te amo_." Jake had gotten good at Spanish by then.

Carlos smiled.

" _Yo también te amo, gatito_."

Jake continued to purr.

"You know, I've been thinking," Jake mumbled lazily against Carlos' collarbone, head pillowed on his shoulder.

" _Dios mio_."

Jake slapped Carlos' bare stomach before smoothing his fingers over his skin, almost as if to apologize for the barely-even-rough treatment.

"Asshole." Jake didn't sound particularly insulted though, a grin coloring his voice. His fingers wandered on to Carlos' tattoo, outlining the inked edges with surprising precision. "No, but seriously. I'm considering joining the Army."

Carlos blinked. He had not expected that.

Jake eased up, bracing himself on his elbow to more easily meet Carlos' gaze, his own surprisingly serious and earnest.

"Do you think I'd do well in the Army?"

It showed that this was something that meant a lot to Jake – that he valued Carlos' opinion on the matter, to the point that Carlos might make or break it.

Carlos wasn't sure what to reply. The thought had struck him once or twice but he had never allowed himself to really consider it, mostly because he hadn't thought that it was anything that Jake was even remotely interested in. He was such a colorful, brilliant person and it was no secret that the Army was more fond of obedience, efficiency and muted grey and green. Trying to make Jake follow orders and fall in line could potentially mean breaking him entirely.

That lead to Carlos being very careful never to suggest it, but he had also had it proven time and time again that he had a rather insulting habit of underestimating just what Jake could accomplish when he put his mind to it.

So he allowed himself to consider it for real this time, tilting his head to the side as he let one of his hands run through Jake's short, soft hair. Jake leaned into the touch, much like the kitten Carlos sometimes accused him of being. A kiss was pressed against Carlos' wrist and he smiled.

Jake would probably never become an exemplary soldier but he would be a considerable asset. He was undoubtedly way above the average tech specialists currently employed by the Army as far as computer skills went and with some training he could easily possess the knowledge and physique necessary pull his own weight in combat situations. He didn't shy away from blood, had a sharp, quick mind and deceptively strong psyche.

He'd be better than most soldiers Carlos had met, if a bit unconventional.

But more than anything it would offer Jake a purpose and a sense of belonging that he clearly didn't have now. Jake clung to the people he cared about and while he didn't let them define him it was obvious that he wouldn't know what to do with himself if he lost them. It would probably be healthy for him to be a part of something bigger and have the security and familiarity offered by other soldiers.

" _Sí_. I think you would," Carlos replied eventually.

Jake's grin was bursting with pride and that adorable kind of bashfulness he showed sometimes when he got compliments that really mattered to him.

"Awesome. I mean, that Andersen guy? I could totally do better than that."

Carlos tugged on Jake's hair, his words reprimanding despite his smile.

"Don't get cocky." He scratched Jake's scalp, chuckling as Jake hummed in pleasure. "It's not easy."

Jake batted Carlos' hand away, probably because he wanted to be able to focus on the actual conversation and not how boneless Carlos could make him with minimum effort.

"I know. Basic training is like nine weeks and becoming Special Ops on top of that means at least fourteen more months. And that's not counting the time in between so definitely over two years."

Carlos raised an eyebrow. He hadn't automatically assumed that Jake would want to head straight for Special Ops, but then again, _of course_ he would, because that was where Carlos was.

"How old were you when you joined?" Jake asked, looking curious.

"Eighteen."

Jake smiled, leaning down to kiss Carlos' tattoo.

"Then I'm a year behind you. But don't worry, I'll catch up."

Carlos curled a hand behind Jake's neck, pulling him in for a real kiss. He made sure to savor it – Jake's taste, the softness of his lips and the feel of his warmth. He would never grow tired of that, and neither would Jake if his sighing little moan was anything to go by. Jake sure knew how to make the most delicious noises Carlos had ever heard.

"I'll be waiting," Carlos whispered against Jake's lips, smiling when Jake pressed closer, skin sliding against skin, sending a delighted shiver down Carlos' spine. Jake hummed but didn't otherwise reply, not in words anyway, but his wandering hands spoke a rather clear language.

Carlos was quite flattered to find that for once there was something else than talking on the top of Jake's list of things to do, and Carlos really didn't mind being it.

Carlos couldn't help pausing the first time Jake slid into the seat opposite to him in the chow hall. He knew the day would come eventually since Jake was in basic training but it still felt odd. He wasn't used to seeing Jake in this setting, especially not with buzzed hair, a pair of dog tags looped around his neck and black framed glasses that – while not as bad as the BCGs – didn't have round lenses.

It just felt plain odd.

"You know, it actually took me like a week to figure out who this terrifying sniper everyone kept whispering about was," Jake said without any kind of introduction, picking up his fork before grinning towards Carlos. "It's not like anyone has ever called you 'Cougar' in any reports and that's the only contact I've had with your military career before this. It wasn't until they mentioned a hat that I figured it had to be you."

Carlos kept his expression carefully blank, not revealing a thing. Jake chuckled, pointing at Carlos' face with his fork.

"Okay, that right there? Makes me understand them a bit better."

Jake dug in on his food with the kind of enthusiasm that was almost vaguely unsettling, clearly ignoring the weird looks they were getting from the other tables. Most people were giving Carlos a wide berth, partly on accounts of him being a Loser and partly because of the aforementioned sniper thing. Jake obviously couldn't care less.

"Did I mention that I like the hair? It's nice when it's a bit longer. You should keep it." Jake glanced up from his food and while his face remained wholly innocent and casual his eyes told a different story – a very fascinating story that caused that familiar, wonderful burn in Carlos' gut.

He was definitely going to keep the longer hair.

But that was for another time, when they had more privacy.

"What do you want?" he asked calmly, ignoring the other subjects in favor of Jake's actual reason for suddenly wanting to share lunch with Carlos.

So far Jake hadn't approached Carlos when they were both on base, mostly because they had decided that it would be better for Jake's focus if he didn't. Not to mention that the less people knew about their private life the better, at least until Jake was through the first couple of phases of training – possibly even long after that. There were to be no rumors about cut corners, favors or misused influence; Jake was going to do this on his own merit.

"Well, you see, me and the other cherries got talking," Jake began, beaming far too widely for this to be heading in a good direction, "and they're all terrified of you – good job there, _cariño_ – and somehow, don't ask me how because I totally wasn't baiting them _at all_ , they're going to give me one hundred dollars each if I sit here with you for the remainder of our lunch without dying."

Carlos gave him a deadpan look. Jake leaned forward, lowering his voice.

"There are _thirteen_ of them, Carlos. _Thirteen_."

He couldn't help whistling, quite impressed by Jake's ambitious swindling.

"Exactly!" Jake grinned. "That's a shitload of money for doing nothing at all."

Carlos held back an amused huff. Trust Jake not to think far enough to consider what would happen if these thirteen other recruits found out about Carlos and Jake's relationship – and the fact that the bet was basically rigged for them to lose. Because if they did it wouldn't be pretty and Carlos had no intention to come to Jake's aid, not when he put himself in the position out of his own free will. Fending for himself was a part of the experience and Carlos was actually pretty certain that Jake didn't even want him to come to the rescue.

Except for that one time in a cold, withering park Jake had proven that he could take care of himself.

"They'll hurt you," Carlos replied with a shake of his head. Jake was not deterred.

"If they find out. But I'm not telling." His smile was wide an infectious. It was hard not to smile back but Carlos knew that that, if anything, would seem suspicious. They weren't supposed to know each other. "Are _you_ going to tell them, Cougar?"

At first Carlos thought that it would be strange to hear Jake call him that but to his surprise it wasn't. It actually felt more right than wrong, as if something was finally slipping into place.

He gave a short shake of his head to answer Jake's question. Of course he wasn't going to reveal something that would undoubtedly get Jake beat up, even if he might deserve it.

Jake tilted his head to the side, smiling a little too fondly to really make it seem like they didn't know each other, but Carlos couldn't exactly say that he minded. He loved it when Jake smiled. And it wasn't his bet on the line.

"I think I'll buy you a new hat with my winnings. How does that sound? You think you can survive my company for another twenty minutes? There's a hat in it for you. And I promise it will be a pretty hat. An expensive, gorgeous hat." Jake gestured enthusiastically as he spoke.

Carlos scoffed.

"I get to pick it."

Jake pouted.

"Alright, fine, you get to pick it. But will you at least consider buying a pink one?"

Carlos' glare really said it all and Jake held up his hands in surrender. Once he was sure that his point was driven home Carlos returned to his food. Jake naturally picked up another thread of conversation without even pausing.

"Do people really call you Cougar all the time?"

Carlos nodded.

"Do you want me to?"

He allowed a slight pause before looking up at Jake, who gazed back, honestly curious judging on the look on his face. Carlos shrugged. He didn't mind either way. The only reason he had stuck with Carlos this long was because it was what Jake called him.

"Because I kind of like it. I mean, Carlos is all well and good but Cougar is just awesome. It suits you and the hat and the whole sniper thing."

"Then use it." Those two parts of his life were merging anyway what with Jake joining the Army, so perhaps it only made sense for them to bleed over onto each other. Jake was being included into the world where Carlos was known as Cougar and he was bringing with him the last bit that kept them separate.

Jake grinned.

"Sweet. Then I guess we should do this properly, just for the sake of appearance." Jake tipped his head in a jaunty little nod, his smile bright and friendly. "Hi, I'm Jacob Jensen, but most people here just call me Jensen."

It was impossible not to smile back, at least a little, even if he found himself rolling his eyes too.

"Cougar," he replied curtly.

"That's one awesome name you've got there, Cougar."

An amused chuckle.

"I guess I do," Cougar agreed.

"You are usually more subtle than this, Cougar," Clay said, eyebrow raised but tone amused. Cougar looked up from the gun he was cleaning, not surprised to see a folder in Clay's hand.

Cougar shrugged. He hadn't tried to be subtle this time.

"Why exactly should I request to have a tech specialist with a notorious bad disciplinary record transferred to my team? Who also, according to the shrink, displays a serious lack of focus, understanding of personal space and never, ever shuts up?"

Cougar met Clay's gaze, his own calm and even. Clay sighed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I'm not stupid. I know who it is – who he must be to you – and that honestly worries me more than his psych eval. Would this compromise the team somehow? Or your ability to get the mission done? Because I won't accept anything less than one hundred percent devotion."

Cougar figured that this wasn't a good time to come clean and admit that someone else than the US Army was his top priority and always would be, but if Clay hadn't noticed it the past couple of years he wouldn't now either. So instead Cougar shook his head, confident that Clay wouldn't catch the small lie.

"We can handle it."

Clay didn't seem convinced.

"You know he's good," Cougar argued, knowing that out of all the teams available there was really only one place where an unconventional, loud and obnoxious hacker could fit in without getting court marshaled or beaten bloody, and that was with the Losers.

"That I do," Clay agreed, "but I don't want to disrupt the team either. I'll consider it, but I make no promises. And if I do give it a shot and he doesn't fit in then he gets transferred out again without any kind of fuss from either of you, is that understood?"

Cougar nodded, knowing that while it wasn't a threat exactly it was definitely something Clay would follow through on if he had to.

" _Sí_ , boss."

Clay nodded and turned to leave again, but paused after a couple of steps, looking back over his shoulder.

"And, Cougar? If I find out that that boy of yours is hacking anything without permission ever again you'll both have hell to pay, you hear me?"

Cougar had no trouble whatsoever to nod in acquiescence, but not for the reason Clay might have thought.

As if Jensen would ever get caught.

The first time Jacob Jensen came strolling up to meet the rest of the Losers – his new team and, God willing, family – he was confident and brash, a wide grin on his lips. He looked ready to belong, even if Clay still had his obvious doubts. Cougar couldn't blame him. Jensen's reputation wasn't all that good even if he was just a couple of months out of training but Cougar knew that he'd do well.

Cougar would keep him in line if nothing else.

Pooch welcomed their newcomer with a somewhat suffering but still patient kind of acceptance, but not without giving Cougar a pointed look, as if to say that he was to blame for all the headaches and sleepless nights they would have from then on. Cougar could shoulder that responsibility. He if anyone knew how intense Jensen could be.

Clay didn't seem to relax until the first time Roque threatened to cut Jensen open – which, unsurprisingly, took about fifteen minutes considering Jensen's personality and lack of filters – and all Jensen did was to tilt his head to the side, pause for a second before launching into another long tirade about something completely unrelated. No flinch, no hesitation and definitely no fear.

No self-preservation either, if Cougar was to be honest, but neither of the other four people in that room were in any position to be judgmental about _that_.

Roque looked more taken aback than angry and Cougar took that as good news. That and the fact that Clay was fighting a smile. He looked exasperated and a bit tired, probably on accounts of having agreed to unleash a hurricane of unstoppable, electric energy also known as Jacob Jensen amongst his men, but Cougar had faith, both in Jensen and the team. Jensen belonged with them.

And when Jake two hours later slumped down next to Cougar, bumping their shoulders together with a proud, pleased grin, Cougar couldn't help smiling back.

"I hope I didn't keep you waiting for too long."

Cougar chuckled, pushing his hat back to more comfortably be able to meet Jensen's gaze. It had taken two years for him to reach this point, just like Jake had predicted, but Cougar would have been willing to wait five, ten – there really was no limit to the number of years – as long as he got to have Jensen by his side.

"You're here now."

Jake's grin turned into a soft, affectionate smile.

"That I am. And I'm intending to stay for quite a while, if that's okay with you?"

Cougar smiled, reaching down to lace their fingers together.

" _Sí_."

To imagine that one good deed – one cup of coffee on a cold January day – could lead to something like this; could give him someone like Jake.

And people wondered why Cougar believed in a higher power.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really not used to writing sex scenes so when I do it's rarely rough or particularly vulgar. But I hope some playful, sweet and genuine sex will make up for that. Because sex where you can laugh is the best kind of sex.
> 
> Anyways! I hope that you liked this little fanfic of mine! There was lots of fluff, some angst and a very happy ending.  
> The only downside is that I have a drawing I'm working on for the second chapter - one of my favourite scenes - but I wasn't able to finish it before uploading this :/ So the picture will be added in a couple of days! It will be gorgeous, I tell you, gorgeous!
> 
> A thank you to my beta, [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum), who never tires of my ideas and has practically promised to follow me into as many fandoms as she possibly can. I also have [Tumblr](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/) for those who are interested!


	4. Bonus Chapter - The T-shirt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine that this is a bit of a surprise for you all. This story has been finished for a while and I said no to suggestions for a sequel. And this here isn't technically a sequel but a bonus chapter (a long one, admittedly) that got sparked by [nagasvoice](http://archiveofourown.org/users/nagasvoice/pseuds/nagasvoice) who gave me a prompt over at Tumblr. The prompt was for a story where JJ gave Cougar some kind of garment and while it might have been intended to be connected to my story Hyperborean I ended up doing it this way instead. Mostly because there was one thing I regretted not having in the original three chapters of Runaway, namely Cougar meeting Jake's family. So that's what this is, plus some angst and loads of fluff. Meaning what I usually do, I guess.

 

* * *

 

No matter how many years Cougar had known Jensen he was still somehow never surprised whenever he did something that Cougar hadn't expected. It was just a part of who Jake was, to always come up with new ways to confuse those around him; sometimes to the point of them wanting to kill him.

Which was why Cougar took most things Jake did in a stride, always patient and mindful of the facts before he reacted. Jumping to conclusions was never a good thing, especially since Jensen had developed an intricate system of how to manipulate people through their emotions, and knew exactly which buttons to push when he wanted to piss someone off. Jensen had made it into an art form, if Cougar was to be honest, since most people didn't even know that he was doing it until it was already too late.

The only one he never quite managed to fool was Cougar. Which was to their benefit, all things considered, since it would have made things somewhat awkward in the bedroom otherwise.

Cougar had learned to expect _anything_ from Jake, but also that it might take days – sometimes months – before the full picture was revealed. Like that one time Jensen pranked Roque by subtly moving his coffee cups, papers, knives – literally anything he put down and wanted to pick up again – just an inch more to the right than Roque had initially placed them. It resulted in several shattered mugs, ruined paperwork and one memorable instance where Roque almost cut his own finger off, until Clay finally had enough and sent Roque to have his depth perception checked.

To Jake's immense and very smug delight.

When Cougar – who had been aware of it from the start simply because he was aware of almost every move Jake made – asked why Jake had done the reply was that Roque had insulted the print on his favorite t-shirt. That in itself was ludicrous but the fact that Jake had managed to come close enough to Roque to do this for over a month spoke its clear language; Jensen was not to be fucked with.

Cougar had no idea how Jensen could be so patient and sneaky when it came to petty revenge and stupid pranks since he could barely sit still for more than fifteen minutes during their briefings, always fidgeting somehow. But that was Jake in a nutshell. Fact still remained that he was relentless, in a way that not even Cougar could match sometimes. Jake could plan ahead months at a time when he really wanted something and that meant that Cougar always made sure to be if not one step ahead then at least on even footing with him.

Sometimes, however, that didn't quite work. Sometimes Jensen did things that Cougar could tell was meant to lead up to something bigger but he couldn't figure out what. Few things made him as unsettled as not knowing Jake's endgame. Not that he thought that Jake would ever hurt him or the team to any serious degree – he was over-excited and petty, not _evil_ – but it always made Cougar wonder if Jensen was finally putting his well-document and not-so-secret plans for world domination in action.

He wouldn't put it past him, if only for the fact that Jake _had_ actual plans on how to conquer the world.

This meant that whenever Jensen presented him with something that Cougar couldn't quite figure out the purpose of he became instantly wary. Especially when it was something wrapped up in a plastic bag.

They had moved into a bigger apartment last year, a couple of months after Jensen had become a Loser, and Cougar was reading on their exceptionally comfortable couch. It was an expense both of them had agreed was reasonable, simply because of how much time they spent on it. They would probably never tire of their habit of watching movies until late at night and fall asleep wrapped up around each other. They might as well make sure that they did it comfortably.

Jake was grinning, at ease and happy, but Cougar could see the expectant look in his eyes as he urged Cougar to accept the bag.

"I know you said I didn't have to but I wanted to," Jensen offered, managing to be completely uninformative even if he was technically explaining himself. It was a skill so uniquely Jake that Cougar had to fight a smile.

He leveled Jake with a long, even look before taking the bag from his hand, submitting both to his own curiosity and Jake's enthusiasm. He still chose to just look inside the bag rather than shove his hand inside it, not knowing what it might contain.

It proved to be an unnecessary precaution.

"A t-shirt." It was a statement, not a question, because Cougar knew that Jake would launch into an explanation no matter how he phrased it.

And, sure enough, that was exactly what happened.

"Well, I ruined the one I borrowed from you two months ago and I felt kinda bad about it so here's a new and better one!" Jensen was beaming. That was never a good thing.

Cougar raised an eyebrow before pulling out the t-shirt. He was surprised that it was neutrally white but he wasn't going to assume that it wouldn't have some hideous print somewhere, considering that Jensen's fashion sense was somewhat lacking.

Jake was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet by the time Cougar was unfolding the shirt. There was nothing on the front but judging on his idiot of a boyfriend's barely curbed excitement there was definitely _something_ special with it. So Cougar obediently turned to look at the back, not knowing whether to snort from amusement or roll his eyes in exasperation.

Only Jake would give him a t-shirt that said 'I am Cougar' with bold, black letters on the back.

"Do you like it?" Jake had apparently lost his struggle against his own tireless enthusiasm and was bouncing slightly where he stood.

Cougar chuckled under his breath before nodding. He wasn't sure how often he would feel inclined to use it – loud, brash shirts wasn't exactly his style – but he did appreciate the sentiment.

And the kiss Jake pressed onto his lips.

"Awesome!" Jake smiled, nudging his nose against Cougar's before he straightened again. "I know you probably won't ever wear it, but I admire that you still care enough to lie to me."

Cougar wasn't stupid – he could tell when Jensen was trying to guilt him into something – so he merely gave him a deadpan look without answering verbally. The fact that Cougar probably would end up wearing it eventually, well, that was another thing entirely.

He made all kinds of exceptions for Jake; always had and always would.

Jake sucked in a breath as if to say something else but froze just as suddenly. He seemed to hesitate for a second, weighting insecurely on his heels, and that in itself was unusual enough for Cougar to pause. Jake didn't seem uncomfortable exactly – thoughtful, more likely – but the tiny wrinkle between his eyebrows made Cougar feel a sting of guilt.

Cougar reached out, catching Jake's hand and squeezing it gently, until Jake seemed to come back to the present and meet his gaze.

"I will wear it," Cougar reassured with a gentle smile.

Even if they had been together for a long time and knew each other inside and out Jake still had instances where he seemed to fear that he had done something wrong, and that everything would crumble around him because of it.

"Yeah, I know you will," Jensen replied but there was a slight tightness to his smile. It looked almost as if he was regretting giving the t-shirt to Cougar in the first place.

Cougar hated those moments of insecurity. They weren't his but to see them on Jake's face was bad enough. Cougar had no doubts about them as a couple but Jake, he was different. His upbringing had taught him that trusting people was bad, mistakes were punished and no matter how confident he was there still seemed to be a small part of him that couldn't accept his own value and importance.

Every once in a while Jake seemed to think that he wasn't good enough.

Sadly enough a part of that could be Cougar's fault. While on base or in public they still maintained a certain distance from each other, never quite revealing the depth of their relationship if it could be kept a secret. The team knew of course – they couldn't possibly have missed it – but Cougar was bad at public displays of affection. He wouldn't have said no if Jake asked but didn't initiate them either since it didn't come natural to him.

Cougar knew that it was something they should talk about – they had been together for years after all – but he wasn't sure how to broach the subject. Mostly because it had actually taken quite a while for him to even pick up on the fact that Jensen rarely touched him in public. And Cougar knew for a fact that it wasn't that Jake didn't want to, but probably some misguided belief that Cougar was reluctant to broadcast their relationship.

To be honest Cougar couldn't care less what other people thought of his relationship with Jake, even if it was still wise to not be too brazen about it while on base or missions. But that was just common sense.

He had never really reflected on the fact that maybe, in his pursuit of discretion, he made Jensen believe that he wanted to keep it a secret. Which hadn't been Cougar's intention at all. He didn't want to hide their relationship.

And he never wanted Jake to look as doubtful as he did now.

Cougar didn't know exactly what caused it this time but didn't protest when Jake hastily changed the subject, knowing that that too was a defense mechanism. One Jake sometimes had to be allowed to embrace if he was to remain balanced.

"You're still coming with me to New Hampshire next month, right?" Jake sounded anxious. Cougar nodded firmly trying to put him at ease.

"Of course." As nervous as Cougar might be he had no intention of backing out on that.

He was finally – after several years of knowing Jake – going to meet his sister. And niece.

The others in the team thought that it was ridiculous that Cougar hadn't yet, but he understood. He understood perfectly that Jake was terrified of letting people close and that while Jake trusted Cougar with his life he was simultaneously afraid of ruining it. They had kept this balance for so long that introducing Jake's sister and niece into the equation made Jake nervous. It could disrupt their carefully maintained equilibrium and Jake, as forward and eager as he could be, hated a certain kind of change. Namely the one that could cost him things he held dear.

So Jake had kept postponing it, even if he had been to visit Jess several times over the years. She had been unable to do the same on accounts of Bethany being too small to travel and, possibly, because Jake had told her not to. Now Beth was three years old however and Jess had started dropping increasingly obvious hints that she wanted to meet the man her brother was together with.

It wasn't like she and Cougar hadn't had any contact at all – she had called him shortly after Jake had joined the Army for one, threatening him with castration unless he took care of her baby brother – but it was brief at best. Mostly because of Cougar's habit of almost absolute silence.

It guaranteed very awkward phone calls.

Cougar liked Jess so far. She seemed surprisingly levelheaded compared to her brother and he looked forward to seeing her in person just as much as he feared it. He doubted that he would make a fool out of himself but there was still a niggling voice at the back of his head that wouldn't shut up. Cougar wasn't sure what he would do if Jess didn't approve of him. Mostly because he knew how much she meant to Jake and how devastated he would be if that was the case.

But Cougar kept all of those worries to himself, knowing that Jake would no doubt freak out entirely if he ever voiced them.

"It will be fine. Stop worrying," Cougar said, pulling on Jensen's hand to make him lean down. It was an easy matter to reach up and pull him in for a kiss. The stiffness bled out of Jake's shoulders and he returned the kiss, chastely but sincerely.

"Fine, I will," Jake replied, and even if that might have been a lie Cougar decided not to call him out on it. For now it was probably better to let Jake deal with it in whatever way he found best.

Cougar didn't think much about the t-shirt during the weeks that followed, far too caught up with work and the coming trip to New Hampshire. Even Jensen seemed to have forgotten about it but Cougar couldn't quite shake the feeling that there had been more behind it somehow. As impulsive and unorganized as Jake could be there were times when he knew exactly what he was doing and for some reason that t-shirt had felt more significant than even Jake was trying to let on.

It had seemed like one of Jake's carefully laid plans.

But now he had either changed his mind or abandoned it entirely because he never mentioned it again. Cougar probably wouldn't even have reflected on it if it hadn't been for the fact that he found it in his drawer when he was packing his bag for New Hampshire.

He had never worn it, mostly because it didn't exactly seem appropriate when on base or during missions, but when visiting Jake's sister it couldn't hurt, could it? She seemed to have a healthy sense of humor and Cougar actually _did_ appreciate it. They rarely gave gifts to each other and when Cougar allowed himself to think about it this particular one was perhaps a bit more significant than he had first realized.

Jensen loved his t-shirts. It was one of his many ways of expressing himself; to show people what a brilliant, colorful person he was. Every single shirt was important somehow and for him to give Cougar a t-shirt wasn't just because he owed him one but because he wanted to share.

It was just as important as the time Jensen had helped Cougar pick out a laptop. Or whenever Jake accompanied Cougar to church, not because he was overly religious himself but because he wanted to be a part of that aspect of Cougar's life.

It was about the small, delicate things that made them who they were, and how they wanted the other to have them as well, simply to bring them closer to each other.

Jake hadn't just chosen a t-shirt at random – it was handpicked. Custom made even, literally with Cougar's name on it.

Cougar suddenly felt stupid for not thinking of that earlier. Jensen had gone through an incredible amount of effort just to give him that t-shirt and Cougar had treated it like it was a joke. A part of it probably was but Cougar still felt bad, now that he started realizing the weight of it.

For being so attentive Cougar was pretty fucking dumb sometimes.

He didn't even hesitate before packing the t-shirt into his bag, cursing himself for being so inconsiderate. Of course Jake hadn't just given it to him on a whim. Cougar couldn't say exactly why Jake had picked the print that he had but that was mostly because the finer details of his boyfriend's thoughts were still a mystery to Cougar, but the act in itself was sweet enough. It was a simple but heartfelt gesture that he should have noticed earlier.

He should have paid more attention.

"Hey, Cougs? Can you pack mine too while you're in there?" Jensen shouted from the kitchen, making Cougar roll his eyes.

Unlike Cougar – who was too organized to leave that to someone else – Jensen probably wouldn't care what he had in his bag as long as it vaguely resembled clothes. The only thing Jake was afraid of forgetting was the present to Beth but Cougar doubted that would happen considering that it already stood on the hallway table. Well, that and his laptop.

"Fine," he called back, not trying to hide the slight reproachful edge to his voice.

Cougar shook his head before pulling out Jake's duffel from the wardrobe, honestly not that offended by the request. It offered a certain kind of security to know that Jake didn't mind that Cougar, for all intents and purposes, could decide what he would wear. It was a small sign of trust but surprisingly important in the great scheme of things.

So Cougar couldn't help smiling as he briefly looked through a stack of Jake's t-shirts, figuring that he might as well take a liberal bunch. Not only did Jake love all kinds of colors – pink, red, blue, yellow and actually a white one, to Cougar's surprise – but he also liked to change them at irregular intervals, for reasons known only to Jake. It was just one of those things that made Jensen into who he was and Cougar was, against better knowledge, the idiot who had fallen in love with him.

"Thanks, babe! You are the best!" Jensen shouted from the kitchen, the smile evident in his voice. "Dinner will be ready soon!"

Cougar rolled his eyes but said nothing, silently continuing to pack both of their bags while listening to Jake's off-key singing floating to him from two rooms over. Jake's cooking skills had, to Cougar's great relief, improved over the years to the point that it was actually edible nine times out of ten.

It was almost a bit weird how happy Cougar was, right there, in that exact moment, but he chose not to question it.

He just cherished it.

Meeting Jess was, as expected, equal parts terrifying and delightful. There was a striking family resemblance as far as the blonde hair and blue eyes went but where Jake was optimistic and eager Jess seemed to be mildly sarcastic and practical. It made for an interesting contrast but also a very adorable one.

"Nice to finally meet you, Cougar. I'm fairly certain that I have heard pretty much everything there is to know about you that isn't somehow confidential, classified or perverted, so it feels like I know you quite well already," Jess said with a grin. The mischievousness was so like Jake's that Cougar felt momentarily blindsided.

Which wasn't exactly helped by how she completely bypassed the normal handshake and enveloped him in a hug. Then again, it was Jake's sister. What had Cougar expected?

Either way he found that he didn't mind. Cougar might not be physical with a whole lot of people but there were no ill intentions behind Jess' hug so he felt free to return it.

"Likewise."

"My brother likes to talk, doesn't he?" Her tone was dry but her eyes sparkled with mirth, to the point that Cougar couldn't help smiling back.

"I don't mind."

Jess laughed as she took a steep back, giving Jake a teasing grin. Possibly because he was looking particularly fidgety and a tiny bit sheepish.

"Well, from what I've heard he might be trying to pick up your slack." There was no malice behind it – just a stated fact – so Cougar merely shrugged. She wasn't _wrong_ after all. Sometimes even Cougar suspected that Jake talked as much as he did because Cougar wouldn't help fill the silence.

"If all you're going to do is talk shit about me then I totally regret introducing you to each other," Jake piped up. The words might have been petulant but his grin was wide.

"Now there's a thought," Jess said sweetly, hooking her arm around Cougar's. "Have I ever told you about that time when Jake was eight and tried to build a rocket but ended up setting his eyebrows on fire and breaking his pinky finger instead?"

Cougar had a hard time keeping his face neutral.

"No." He shook his head. "But please do."

"Hey!" Jake squawked indignantly. "That's not-"

"Too late," Jess sing-songed before she proceeded to pull Cougar towards her kitchen. Had she been any less dignified Cougar was fairly certain that she would have been cackling.

Cougar had time to give Jake a quick glance and a helpless shrug, but judging on the look on Jake's face he wasn't actually worried. Underneath the pouting there was a breathtaking relief, as if Jake had been just as worried about what Jess would think of Cougar.

Neither of them had any reason to worry, apparently, which Jess made sure to let them know. As long as Cougar treated her brother right she had no complaints. And just like that Cougar was welcomed into the family, at least on a probationary basis.

He would be lying if he said that it didn't leave a warm, delighted burn in his chest.

Cougar was the first to admit that he knew next to nothing about taking care of a small child. He liked them but had no real experience on how to handle them. So while he found their innocence and enthusiasm adorable he was also acutely aware of how fragile they were.

It terrified him.

There were few things that he could think of that would be as horrible as accidentally or – God forbid – knowingly hurting a child.

Beth didn't seem to care about that in the least. She had this almost uncanny ability of running into things that should by all means result in broken bones or at the very least bruises, but she didn't seem to notice. Fact was that she didn't seem to care about her safety at all – or at least not to any degree that Cougar could find acceptable. Something she might have inherited from her uncle.

Impulsive, reckless enthusiasm seemed to run in the family.

Beth was a bright bundle of excited giggles, sudden mood swings and the most ruthless puppy eyes Cougar had ever faced with the possible exception of her uncle. Needless to say Cougar was, despite his slight fear of hurting her somehow, helpless against her simple yet sincere charm.

Which also seemed to run in the family.

More often than not Beth reminded Cougar of Jake rather than Jess, but that could have been because he knew Jake better, and that he sometimes seemed to have the mental capacity of a three-year-old. Unlike his more mature sister. Either way Cougar adored Beth. He couldn't help it.

When she wasn't running around hurting herself and giving him minor heart attacks, that was.

She had been a little shy during the first fifteen minutes but after that seemed to have forgotten that Cougar hadn't always been there with them. It didn't take long at all before he found her tugging on his pant leg, asking to be lifted; just like she did with Jess and Jake. It was a frightening and humbling experience and Cougar made sure to be careful whenever he handled her.

Handling a small child was apparently a matter of habit anyway so the more time Cougar spent with Beth the more relaxed he became. He learned that unless Jess and Jake got worried Beth would probably survive whatever made her cry at the time and sometimes one had to deny her the things she wanted, even if it broke his heart a tiny bit to have to do so.

It was surprisingly easy to fit in with the Jensens. A part of Cougar had thought that he wouldn't, simply because they were so different, but like her brother Jess never seemed to question how silent Cougar was. She didn't seem to find him asocial just because he didn't talk and had several conversations with him that, while a little one-sided, were truly engaging. That took a lot of skill.

So maybe it was their differences that made him fit in so well. Either way everything seemed to be working out rather nicely.

Jess liked him, Beth followed him around like a duckling – mostly to make grabby hands at Cougar's hat until he caved and gave it to her – and Jake was happier than Cougar had ever seen him. If they hadn't been staying under Jess' roof, wall-to-wall with Beth's room, Cougar knew that Jake would have tried to rip Cougar's clothes off long ago. As it was now Jess' apartment didn't exactly offer the amount of privacy required so Jake had to settle for deep, searing kisses that never failed to set Cougar's blood alight.

Cougar loved visiting Jess and Beth. It was a little cramped and very loud with three Jensens in one room but Cougar couldn't be happier. He had never even considered that in being allowed to be a part of Jake's life he'd also find a family. It was small and a bit fractured but all the more precious for it.

The first time Beth called him uncle Cougar's heart seemed to momentarily malfunction.

It wasn't that he disliked it or was even particularly surprised – it was how Jess had introduced him after all – but it still carried a completely different weight when Beth said it. She made it real in a way that Jess or Jake couldn't. It should have terrified him – and it did, to a certain degree – but more than anything he felt blessed.

He hadn't even realized how much he wanted a family until he already had it.

Jake was ecstatic. Every time he saw Cougar carrying or playing with Beth he got this achingly soft look in his eyes that Cougar didn't know how to face. It was just so honest and _bare_ in a way that made Cougar's heart squeeze.

It made him wonder if Jake wanted children of his own.

But that was definitely a question for later. For now it mostly seemed like Jake was happy to see that his three favorite people in the world got along as well as they did. Jake desperately wanted them to be a family, however small and unconventional it might be, and Cougar was happy to oblige. It wasn't as if it was an inconvenience for him. The amount of responsibility it entailed was a little frightening but Cougar was willing to shoulder it as long as it kept that dorky smile on Jake's face.

Still, he wasn't awfully surprised when Jess asked about it.

They knew each other better than before, when all they had had was a stray phone call here or there, but it was obvious that she still wanted to make some things clear, no matter if it was strictly necessary or not.

"You do know that Jake's one of those people who commits for life, right?" she said rather suddenly one night, when Jake was busy putting Beth back to bed after she had sleepily come stumbling out of her room, needing to go to the bathroom.

Jess ambushed Cougar in the kitchen while he was getting something to drink. At her question – that wasn't quite a question – he stopped with the water glass halfway to his lips.

"I mean, you'll probably fight and he might end up hating you at some point, but he'll still love you. Jake doesn't do breakups." The smile on Jess' lips was sad as she crossed her arms over her chest, leaning against the doorframe. "Not even our parents. He ran away, sure, but he still sends them Christmas cards." Her voice hardened. "After everything they did to us – especially to him – he still can't let them go."

Cougar tried not to show how uneasy he felt. He wasn't sure if this was something Jess should be telling him, especially not since he and Jake hadn't outright discussed it yet. At most they had brushed past it when necessary but Jake had never once spoken about his parents in detail or exactly what they had put him through. Cougar could read the signs well enough and seen the results firsthand – the flinches, the trust issues and the heartbreaking urge to please – but he had never asked for the details.

A part of him wasn't even sure if he wanted them.

There was only so much self-control one could expect out of him when someone hurt the people he loved and he would rather not have to kill Jake and Jess' parents.

"My point is that you have the power to break him completely. You do know that, right?"

Cougar met her gaze head on, nodding softly. Because he did know. Jake might have trust issues and it took a long time before he let you close – as seen on how long it had taken before Cougar got to meet Jess and Beth – but once he had he held nothing back. He expected the same kind of devotion he was offering himself and it was for life, just like Jess said. Cougar had no doubts about that.

"I'm actually not saying this because I want to threaten you or make you feel bad – although the whole castration thing still stands – it's just-..." She took a deep breath. "I worry about him. As much as I love seeing him happy – and God, Cougar, is he happy right now – I'm afraid what would happen if all of that got taken away. I don't think he could handle it."

It was the subtle tremble to her voice that made Cougar place his glass on the counter before walking over, catching her gaze.

"I love him." Cougar wasn't sure what else he could say to make her understand. "I won't leave him."

It would be a lie to say that he'd never hurt him – that could happen even with the best intentions – but he could promise not to leave. Cougar couldn't even imagine what a life without Jake would be like. He didn't _want_ to imagine it. Just the thought of it left a bitter taste at the back of his mouth.

Jess expression crumpled as she surged forward, wrapping her arms around Cougar's chest. She hugged him with a desperation that felt so palpable that Cougar had to remind himself to keep breathing. Her shoulders shook under his hands when he hugged her back.

"I've never seen him so happy. I thought he would never get to _be_ this happy," she whispered, her voice thick with tears Cougar pretended not to notice. "I saw him crumble before my eyes, Cougar. I saw the bruises, the fake smiles and how he so desperately tried to hide how much he was hurting but he can't hide something like that. It shows when he's unhappy. I could see it get worse and worse and for a while I thought he would-"

She didn't finish the sentence and Cougar was extremely grateful for that. He felt sick just hearing what little she had managed before choking up. Jess swallowed thickly, squeezing a little harder.

"When I heard he ran away I just... I was afraid that he'd end up with the wrong kind of people because he's so desperate for affection and attention, but then he found you." She chuckled, pulling back enough to look Cougar in the eye but without actually letting him go. "Or maybe you found him. Either way he wouldn't shut up about you. It was always Carlos this or Carlos that and it would have driven me nuts if it hadn't been for how happy he was."

Cougar couldn't help smiling feeling both flattered and humbled. Jess smiled back before clearing her throat and slipping out of the embrace. She subtly wiped at her eyes before looking up, her gaze imploring but at the same time apologetic.

"I know it's unfair of me to ask but please, take care of him, for as long as you possibly can. He deserves this – deserves _you_." She reached out, catching his hand and squeezing it. "Make him happy, Cougar."

"I will," he replied without hesitation, squeezing back.

Her relieved smile was so much like Jake's but still completely different. Cougar had no idea what it must have been like to grow up like Jess and Jake had, being scared of your own parents and seeing your sibling suffer with you. He wished that he could somehow take away their pain or at least carry it with them, but he knew it wasn't that simple.

All he could do was his best to make Jake smile – the real ones; not the fake, haunted ones – and hope that it would ease some of Jess' worry. Cougar wanted to see them both smile.

"Thank you, Cougar," she whispered, kissing his cheek. "He'll probably drive you up the wall from time to time, but it's worth it. He'll stick with you through anything."

"I know."

Jess' smile was warm and soft. Cougar didn't even mind how she reached up with her free hand, stroking his cheek. It had a maternal tenderness to it, which in itself should have been impossible considering that he was older than she was, but she made it work. Somehow Jess could make it seem natural even if Cougar wasn't exactly looking for that kind of gentleness.

"You're the same, aren't you?" she asked. "You'd do anything for him."

The latter wasn't even a question. Cougar nodded all the same.

"I would."

Her only reply was a trembling but grateful smile. It was more than enough.

It was on the fifth day of their eight day long visit in New Hampshire that Cougar finally found out the true story behind the t-shirt Jensen had given him. And like so many other things when it came to Jake it seemed to be pure coincidence that brought it to light.

That morning was one of the few when Jake was actually out of bed before Cougar. The main reason for that was that Jake had refused to let Cougar get up when he had planned, demanding lazy cuddles. At least for about fifteen minutes before Jess reminded Jake that he had promised to go to Beth's preschool with her.

There was apparently some sort of creativity day that parents were asked to attend. While Jess clearly loved her daughter she seemed to find the prospect of spending her day with other doting parents to be some kind of torture – not to mention that she had work – and Cougar wasn't exactly known to be creative with anything but a rifle. Jake on the other hand had the appropriate mindset and enthusiasm to keep up with a bunch of three to five-year-olds for an entire day and probably even enjoy it.

That is to say that Cougar was fully prepared for Jake to be covered in glue, paint and glitter before the day was over.

"Come on, JJ!" Jess shouted from somewhere else in the apartment. "I'm going to leave without you and then you'll have to walk!"

Jake groaned miserably but eventually sat up on the edge of the bed, slipping on his glasses before snatching his jeans from the floor.

"You'll come with Jess when she picks us up, right? I bet Beth will want to show you what she's drawn." The ridiculous grin on Jake's face seemed to suggest that maybe he would to.

Cougar nodded, not in the least bit surprised by how Jensen momentarily forsook getting dressed in favor of giving him at deep, thorough kiss.

" _Te amo_ ," Jake murmured against Cougar's lips before getting to his feet and pulling up his pants with a bouncy jiggle.

" _Yo también te amo, gatito_ ," Cougar replied, voice a lazy, smooth drawl. He was quite content to lie there watching Jensen button his jeans. Granted that he was usually seeing the exact opposite but this had its merits too.

Jake moved swiftly, hands and one knee braced on the bed in order to lean in for another kiss. This one was slow and indulgent and Cougar let his hand slide along the bare skin on Jake's shoulder, still warm from lying under the covers with him.

"God, I love it when you talk Spanish to me," Jake mumbled when he finally pulled back, grinning mischievously. "And soon I'm totally going to rent us a room at a hotel just for the night because I can't stand how utterly _delectable_ you look right now."

"Jess would tease you," Cougar warned, but not without an amused smile of his own. He couldn't exactly say that he would _mind_.

"At this point it would be worth it just to get my hands on you," Jake replied with a wink. He pressed a quick, chaste kiss to Cougar's lips before pushing up from the bed again, practically skipping over to the bag he had tossed into one corner of the guestroom.

During some mornings Jake was dead to the world until he had gotten his second cup of coffee but on others he seemed to be vibrating with energy straight out of bed. This was clearly one of the latter.

"Jacob!" Jess called, a hint of annoyance bleeding into her voice.

"Coming!" Jake shouted back while tugging a t-shirt at random from his bag. It was probably time for Cougar to start getting up as well but he didn't mind watching the view during the few seconds it would be available to him. He did sit up though, if only because it improved the angle.

"I'll see you later then?" Jake asked somewhat unnecessarily while pulling the white t-shirt over his head. He was beaming from ear to ear, clearly looking forward to getting covered in glue, paint and glitter. But that was Jake for you. He'd probably spend every moment of the day covered in glitter if he could get away with it, but Clay would no doubt protest if Jake were to try. It didn't quite pass the regulations for appropriate camouflage.

Cougar nodded as Jensen backed towards the door, smiling at his dorky boyfriend's enthusiasm. If anyone had ever told Cougar that this was the kind of person he would end up with – possibly for the rest of his life – he would have thought that they were insane. But now, with Jake right in front of him, his oh so blue eyes shining with happiness and hands fluttering as he tugged his t-shirt down to cover his stomach, Cougar couldn't ask for a single thing to be different.

This was, without any doubt, exactly what he wanted.

"See you then," Jake said, clearly stalling even if he was slowly shuffling backwards, not taking his eyes off Cougar. He didn't even turn to look at what he was doing when he pushed down the door handle.

"Go. Before Jess leaves without you," Cougar replied with an eye-roll.

Jake gave Cougar a jaunty salute and obediently backed out the door, grin wide on his face.

Cougar could only shake his head fondly.

Cougar had, in his by then fairly substantial military career, gone against drug dealers, gun runners, terrorists and on one very memorable occasion even toppled a smaller government, but nothing – literally _nothing_ – could prepare him for the veritable battlefield that was a preschool with fifteen excitable children being herded around by their exhausted parents.

Some of this must have shown on his face considering how Jess leaned closer and smugly whispered in his ear.

"Be careful – they can smell your fear."

Cougar gave her a dry look, which earned him a cheeky grin.

"You just wait here," Jess said while patting his arm somewhat patronizingly, "I'm going to let the staff known I'm here to collect two of the little hyperactive monsters currently harassing them."

The fact that Jess lumped Jake in with the kids, well, Cougar couldn't exactly blame her. Although calling Jake 'little' might be a bit of a stretch. Even from where Cougar was standing, just a couple of steps inside the brightly colored room with miniature furniture and an array of toys littering the floor, Jake was clearly visible, a head taller than most of the parents present.

There was a surprising lack of glue on him although he did have colorful stains on his hands, a wobbly heart painted on his cheek with something that Cougar hoped wasn't permanent and a flimsy green paper crown on his head, liberally doused with glitter. A lot of it seemed to have transferred to Jake's hair, making the spiky blond mess sparkle as he moved.

Beth was clinging to Jake's left arm and some other nameless kid had latched on to his right one, both of them squealing from delight when Jake raised his arms, easily lifting them off the floor. Cougar was fighting against a smile and made a note to himself to make sure that Jake didn't try to smuggle out any kids that weren't theirs to collect to their car.

The grin Jake shot Cougar once he noticed him actually made Cougar's knees a little weak. He hadn't even known that he was susceptible to something like that. But it was all Jake's fault. The pure, unclouded bliss on his face could make anyone a little lightheaded.

It also made Cougar quite certain that he didn't need to ask whether Jake wanted kids of his own or not. The way he practically shone with happiness – even after having spent hours with the tiny tykes – was answer enough.

That could take some getting used to.

"Which one is yours?"

Cougar was actually a tiny bit embarrassed to admit that he hadn't noticed the woman until she spoke to him. That was not a common occurrence but, then again, neither was the fact that he had just been faced with the very real possibility that he would end up being a father someday.

He gave her a quick glance before gesturing in the general direction of Jake and Beth. She could interpret that any way she liked. The woman was probably a bit younger than Cougar with a plain but sincere face and he could pinpoint her daughter on the fiery red hair they shared.

"Oh! Are you Cougar then?"

Before Cougar could give an actual reply – too busy being somewhat alarmed by this stranger knowing his name – she leaned backwards, looking behind him. It took a certain amount of effort not to flinch away from her on pure instinct. She wasn't a threat exactly but Cougar was definitely not used to – or comfortable with – being the less informed party.

"I thought you might be!" she said, smiling widely as if they were somehow old friends. Cougar was beginning to understand why Jess avoided some of the other parents. "I love the t-shirt."

Right. The t-shirt Jake had given him that had Cougar's name on it.

He hadn't thought much of it when he pulled it on that morning, except perhaps what Jake would think of it now that Cougar finally wore it. He gave her a tight smile but she didn't seem to notice that it wasn't as cheerful as hers.

"Beth is such a lovely little girl! So the two of your are her uncles then?"

This was beginning to make Cougar more than a little uncomfortable. He didn't mind being seen as Beth's uncle or how the woman obviously assumed that he and Jake was a couple – they were and he had no reason to hide it – but it made him wary not knowing why she did it.

"Yes," Cougar replied distractedly, trying to catch Jess' eyes in a rather blatant attempt to have her come rescue him. He was definitely not interested in socializing with complete strangers but didn't want to seem rude and just walk off either. That could reflect badly on Jess or Beth.

"That's so sweet! Jake is great with the kids," she folded her arms across her stomach, still smiling. "You're a lucky man and really, the matching t-shirts is adorable."

Cougar first instinct was to agree that yes, he was very lucky, but he got sidetracked by the second part of that sentence. It wasn't being called adorable – which hadn't happened in a serious conversation since Cougar was twelve, definitely making this one a bit weird – but the claim of matching t-shirts. Cougar knew nothing about that and was on his way to ask what she meant when he saw it for himself.

It struck him rather suddenly that since that morning – when Jake had pulled a shirt from his bag – Cougar hadn't actually seen the back of him. Not until he turned around to deposit the flailing kid on his right arm to the boy's waiting father, giving Cougar a clear view of the black letters sprawling across his t-shirt.

For a second Cougar was completely dumbstruck.

'If lost return to Cougar'

They really did match.

The woman next to him kept talking but Cougar only listened with a fraction of his attention. He was too busy processing the fact that it suddenly made a whole lot more sense why Jake had given him the t-shirt he had. They were supposed to be a pair but for some reason Jake hadn't told him about it.

Fact was, if it hadn't been for Cougar – who had just swept up a pile of Jake's t-shirts while packing his bag for him, including the white one at the bottom – he wouldn't have seen it now either. Jake had _hidden_ it. He had given Cougar the t-shirt, changed his mind and tried to forget about the matching one. He probably wasn't even aware of the fact that he was wearing it now considering the rush he had been in that morning.

Cougar didn't know what to feel. He might have been able to convince himself that it was a small matter if it hadn't been for the fact that he still remembered the look on Jake's face when he had given Cougar the t-shirt; how he had hesitated and looked unmistakably sad. Cougar had an inkling as to why but he wasn't going to jump to any conclusions before he could talk to Jake.

Once that was established Cougar allowed himself a tiny smile, simply because he actually had to agree with the still talking woman next to him; the t-shirts were pretty adorable.

"Excuse me," he interrupted the woman, giving her a quick smile before he headed for Jess. She was still talking to one of the teachers but turned towards him when he stopped next to them. "I need a minute with Jake."

Jess raised an eyebrow but didn't look surprised.

"Does it have to do with the t-shirts?"

Cougar nodded, not even bothering to question how she knew. Jess gestured for him to go ahead and he let out a whistle that managed to carry even above the noise caused by the squealing children. Jake's head snapped up, finding Cougar on reflexes honed from living and working together for years.

Cougar smiled to show that there was no immediate danger, nodding towards the door. It only took a couple of seconds for Jake to detach from the kids – most of them were getting ready to leave anyway – before he made his way across the room towards Cougar.

"Hi! What's up? Beth's not entirely done with her drawings so I hope we're not in a hurry."

"It's fine," Cougar assured before gently pushing Jake towards the door. It was risky enough to have this conversation before they got home; having it in front of a room full of strangers and little children would have been disastrous.

Jake seemed completely oblivious to what he was walking towards, letting Cougar steer them out from the building to the tiny play area out back while he talked about how much fun he and the children had had. Cougar did listen but didn't feel too bad about placing a hand over Jake's mouth to silence him once they were out of earshot from everyone else.

"Tell me about the t-shirts."

It was obvious that Jake didn't get it at first, his brain not quite managing to catch up to that sudden turn. Cougar lowered his hand and could see the exact moment Jake _did_ understand what he was talking about, looking down at their matching white t-shirts. The print might be on the back but it was rare for Jake and Cougar to wear the same outfit.

Jake paled.

He swallowed and – to Cougar's immense horror – took a step back. Jake never backed down unless some instinctive part of him felt threatened or insecure. As if he needed to cower. It was one of those reflexes he would probably always have, thanks to whatever it was his parents had done to him.

"Shit. I'm sorry." Jake's smile was more of a grimace. "You weren't supposed to find out. It was just a thing I saw on the Internet and thought sounded cool but then I realized how stupid it was. But yours is sort of awesome on its own so... yeah. I thought it couldn't hurt." He sounded calm and met Cougar's gaze without hesitation but he couldn't fool Cougar – not that easily.

"You're lying."

Jake stiffened and Cougar could see his defensive walls rise. They rarely did. Only when Jake was feeling pressured somehow.

"I'm not lying. It was just a stupid-"

"You are," Cougar interrupted, making sure to keep his voice level and calm. His posture remained relaxed, trying to show that it wasn't a confrontation – he just wanted to talk. "I'm not angry. But you are lying."

Jake hesitated, clearly weighting between denying it further or actually caving in. Cougar was incredibly relieved when Jake seemed to sag, sighing heavily before leaning back against the waist high brick wall that surrounded the small garden where the children could play.

"I just-... I did see it on the Internet and I kinda liked the idea because it's cute and pretty fucking true in my case, so I ordered the t-shirts and, well... It wasn't until I gave you yours that I even realized what a bad idea it was." Jake was staring at his feet, looking like a chastised boy. "I mean, they're not exactly subtle. Wearing them is equal to broadcasting that we're together and you-... we don't do that."

That tiny little slip – however small – hit Cougar hard enough to make his heart clench. He had suspected that this might be an issue but he hadn't thought it was this bad. He hadn't thought that Jake was forcibly holding himself back for the sake of some misconception that Cougar demanded it.

"I'm really sorry. I never meant to wear mine but I guess I should have thought of that before asking you to pack my bag for me." Jake's attempt at a smile was heartbreaking. "I'd take it off but I think the damage is already done and I'd feel pretty bad flashing the moms, so..."

It took a second for Cougar to breathe around the lump of guilt in his chest. He really should have talked to Jake about this sooner.

All he could do now was reach out – infinitely glad that Jake didn't flinch or shy away, even if he did look somewhat surprised –, frame Jake's face with his hands and pull him in for a kiss. Jake was tense and clearly didn't know what was expected of him in that particular situation, remaining stiff and almost completely unresponsive. They were in semi-public after all, where people might walk past or come out from the preschool and see them.

Cougar couldn't believe he had let it go this far.

"I like the shirts." There were so many things Cougar could say but none that summed it up as efficiently as that sentence. Jake blinked, his eyes widening in surprise behind his round lenses.

"What? Really?" The disbelief tore at Cougar's heart – as if Jake seriously thought that Cougar would have something against them being seen as a couple in public.

" _Sí_. I don't mind wearing them."

"But-..." Jake hesitated, clearly unsure about what he was going to say next. Once he finally did his voice sounded small in a way that Cougar wished he would never have to hear again. "People will know."

Despite how childish Jake could be Cougar still managed to forget that he was only twenty-three. Since Cougar was closing in on thirty it was sometimes difficult not to judge other people on the same standards. And Jake was so good at faking his casual, carefree confidence that even Cougar mistook it for the real thing sometimes. Jake _was_ confident, sure, but a lot of it was him having grown up too fast without really knowing how else to behave. He still had so little actual experience, especially when it came to relationships of any kind.

He couldn't possibly know what to do, not when Cougar was too stupid to explain it to him.

"I don't mind," Cougar repeated, remaining close even if he let his hands slide down to rest against Jake's waist instead. "I want them to. Maybe not at work. But here?" Cougar nodded towards the preschool. "I don't mind."

The dumbstruck look on Jake's face could have been hilarious if they had been talking about another subject. Now it just made Cougar hate himself for being so clumsy.

"Really?" The slight hitch of hopeful disbelief in Jake's voice nearly pushed the air out of Cougar's lungs. It hurt to hear just how insecure he had made Jake feel – all without meaning to.

So he gave in to his instinct to pull Jake in for a hug. Jake didn't complain. He seemed rather keen to cling to Cougar, in fact, face buried against his neck.

The wobbly paper crown Jake was wearing was slipping so Cougar gently plucked it from his head and placed it next to Jake instead. The green clashed rather horribly against the red brick. Cougar's fingers wandered through Jake's hair almost on their own volition.

"That glitter is going to stick to your hand for weeks." Jake's mumbled, voice muffled against Cougar's shoulder.

"Mmm," Cougar agreed, but without really caring. A little glitter had never killed anyone. "We're keeping the shirts."

"Okay," Jake replied, a tad bit breathless but no less happy. "I'm glad, because I really do think they're perfect."

After a moment of reluctance Cougar drew back from their embrace, tilting his head to the side.

"Why?"

He understood the basics, naturally, but they way Jake said it made it obvious that it had an even deeper meaning to him. A heavy silence followed before Jake cleared his throat and climbed up to sit on the wall instead of just leaning against it. Cougar remained where he was, standing in front of Jake, who was thumping his heels rhythmically against the red brick.

"Because of my parents," Jake said, voice low. As if he was testing the waters – or Cougar's reaction to it. This wasn't something they talked about, just like they never talked about Cougar's family.

So not for the first time Cougar was incredibly grateful for his poker face. He had no idea how to react to that answer so it felt better not to show anything at all.

"I mean, I didn't exactly have a nice childhood. Dad beat us and mom, well, after a while she sort of went out of her way to turn his anger towards me rather than her – especially once I got bigger and after Jess left for college. I guess mom figured I could handle it better than her." Jake shrugged as if it was an expected reaction when Cougar had to fight against his instinct to snarl. He hoped he would never get to meet Jake's parents. "I hated it there. I wasn't happy, not just because of the beatings but several other things..."

Cougar wasn't sure what to say. This was a conversation he hadn't expected to have in the backyard of Beth's preschool. But he had no intention whatsoever of interrupting.

"I didn't exactly fit in at school. Always felt too smart or too dumb, paradoxically, and when I realized that I had no reason to stay there – to put up with all of that shit – I left. I ran away. I can't even say that I ran away from home because that's not what I considered it to be."

Jake's eyes were so impossibly blue and his expression solemn, but he maintained an admirable amount of calm. Or perhaps it was detachment, which was less healthy, but Cougar couldn't exactly blame him for it either.

"I ran away and then I met you." Jake's smile was positively dorky. "I couldn't believe how lucky I was, having this super cool military dude take me in. You were so fucking badass, Cougar. Still are, of course." Jake amended hastily, heels still thumping against the wall he was sitting on. He looked younger than he had in a long time or perhaps it was just Cougar seeing more vulnerability in him than Jake usually allowed him to see. "Anyways. You made it all worthwhile, Cougs. Suddenly I knew what a real home was supposed to be like. You changed everything."

Jake reached out, taking Cougar's hand in his. He didn't squeeze it or hold it particularly tightly. He just rubbed with his thumb against the ring on Cougar's middle finger, smiling softly to himself.

"You see, to me you run away from things you don't like but you lose things you want to keep." Their gazes locked. "I ran away from my parents and never once regretted it. I don't think I will ever find a reason to run away from you though so if I stray it's not because I want to leave; it's because I've lost my way." A soft, gentle smile played on Jake's lips. "And if that happens – if I ever get so lost that you lose sight of me – I want someone to return me to you. Because that's where I belong. That's the thing I never want to lose."

Jake licked his lips, looking bashful all of a sudden.

"That's why I think they're perfect."

Never in his entire life had Cougar expected to get a declaration of undying, unflinching love and devotion through a pair of t-shirts. But this was Jake so of course that made sense, in some weird, glorious way that left Cougar fumbling for something to say or do.

In the end he kissed him.

Cougar couldn't think of a better answer than to step in between Jake's parted legs and drag his head down for a deep, demanding kiss. So many impressions were battling for dominance inside of him but all that really mattered was how good it felt.

Not only had Jake trusted him enough to share things from his past that he had guarded carefully for years but he had boldly expressed emotions that left Cougar feeling dizzy from bliss. Jake was one of a kind and Cougar poured as much love and worship as he possibly could into that kiss, feeling Jake tremble against him. The moan Jake let out was adorably confused but also delightfully tempting.

Too bad they were in a semi-public place where anyone could walk out and see them.

"Okay, fuck this," Jake breathed against Cougar's lips as he slipped down from the wall, leaving him pinned between Cougar and the unyielding brick. He whimpered when Cougar couldn't help rolling his hips – just a tiny bit – and in the next second he was fumbling for Cougar's hand. "We're going to find a storage closet of some kind and I'm going to blow you. Right now."

Jake started tugging him unceremoniously towards the door leading back into the building, Cougar chuckling despite himself.

"Jess is waiting," Cougar reminded responsibly, but he made no attempt to steer Jake in any other direction or actually talk him out of it.

"At this point I would make the Queen of England wait for as long as I damn well please," Jake shot back as he led them inside, then down a corridor. The sound of talking voices – lingering parents and teachers – was distant and fading fast considering Jake's hurried pace.

"Jess will be pissed," Cougar warned but he was smiling.

So was Jake, when he threw a glance over his shoulder.

"Fucking worth it." The finality in Jake's voice spoke its clear language and Cougar could do nothing but agree.

It was definitely worth it. Every single breath and every last touch made it worthwhile.

Cougar wouldn't change a thing.

It was all worth it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the t-shirt idea is obviously taken from the 'If lost return to Rita' photos that's been circling around the Internet. I figured it's the kind of thing Jake would like and use.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this sudden but hopefully good addition to the story! It was interesting to write if nothing else.
> 
> [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) was able to squeeze this into her schedule and beta read and you can find me over at my [Tumblr](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/).


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